April 29, 2009

Step Right Up, We Gotcher Sexy Melons!

I did another check-in with Google Analytics to see what kind of weird stuff people are looking for when they end up here on my front porch. (For reference, here is a LINK to the last time I did this.)

Last time I did a "Top Ten" but today I think we'll approach this by category:

People Looking for Food
  • crumbs from the corner
  • broccoli coupon
  • fish coupons
  • hard gummy worms
  • moldy avocado
  • why didn't brussel sprouts produce
I'm really concerned about the number of people looking for information about moldy avocados. There was some of that from last month, too. Is it the same people who are still looking or is there just a rampant moldy avocado problem?

Also, for the record, you CAN eat hard gummy worms. I have no idea about the brussel sprouts. The only reason I know about the gummy worms is because I have two little boys.

People Who Need to Get Help
  • mom on dog
  • monkeysexfree
Rule number one: No moms on dogs and no dogs on moms. It's just wrong. Also, I think it's illegal.

Rule number two: This blog is 99% monkey sex free. It's just how we roll.

People I'd Like to Meet
  • blogspot sexy melon
  • if you have enough money
  • im a winner
  • mark your dictionary
I had a tough time deciding on where the sexy melon person should go. Food? People who need help? I decided to put Sexy Melon in people I'd like to meet. Possibly. If it's like a sensual food sexy melon that might be a person who is in touch with the sensory wonders of the world around him or her. Of course, if it's one of those weird guys with a melon fetish and a power drill, then I reserve the right to reclassify him to "people who need to get help".

People who have enough money and people who are winners... call me. We can hook up for dinner. You're buying.

People in Grave Peril
  • thinking about having kids
  • dirty diaper hasmat team
  • vomit on front porch
  • water puddles on front porch
For the people who are thinking about having kids... look at the three things below your search and you'll see just a few of the things that are in your future. A few of the other things will be: fighting siblings, fingers smashed in drawers, bloody lip, getting peed on, waking up every two hours, runny noses, vomit on other places besides the front porch and swastikas and cigarettes.

Fortunately, because the human mind is so adept at protecting itself, you'll find most of these horrors dull down to a tolerable level when they are tempered by baby coos, toddler giggling, hugs and smiles.

Befuddled Parents
  • spanking your child below the waist
  • what are some nicknames for toddlers penis
First of all, get more hugs. That helps. Second, try a time-out first. And spanking below the waist should be restricted to the BACK of the child. Not that I know anything about that.

And wouldn't you know people would start finding me via searches for "nicknames for toddlers penis". I'm thinking of changing this to a gardening blog or a cooking blog. Except I don't garden or cook. Maybe auto mechanics. There's no possible way to work the word "penis" into that topic is there? Or maybe economics? Or how about astrophysics? Or maybe a photo blog about trains or flowers or carousel horses.

Aw, forget it. I'll just stick to what I know.

[photo credit: stefano liboni]


  1. LOL!!!!!! I feel like I'm missing out on some of these posts somehow! LOL!!

  2. consider yourself tagged. over at my place. scroll down - post before the backfat one. yes, I said backfat.

  3. "monkeysexfree" was how I discovered your blog!

    What? It's a book...

  4. I have avoided the Google analytics thing. It scares me. These searches would never occur to me at all. Am I abnormal?

    Love the photo.

  5. I want to know about the people who spank above the waist. That picture is a riot!

  6. I'm thinking of changing this to a gardening blog or a cooking blog. Except I don't garden or cook.

    Too funny!

  7. ROFL!! This is so funny! One of these days I'm going to have to do a post on my own search terms because I get some real doozies.

    There were so many bits I could have quoted from yours, but

    "For the people who are thinking about having kids... look at the three things below your search and you'll see just a few of the things that are in your future."

    No kidding! Hahahahaha!! And 'vomit in other places than the front porch'. LOL!

    Thanks for the laugh!

  8. those are some creepy googlers.

  9. Am wondering if I squish together two melons, that are growing in my garden, can I get my own "melon booty"?

  10. LLOL. It always cracks me up to see what people googled when they find me, too... I don't have even close to the number of hits you get, I'm sure....

  11. I love this game. And sure, it's 99% monkeysex free, but it's that 1% that keeps me coming back!

  12. Envie: Yeah, some of them I've even forgotten how on earthy they'd be relevent. It's made for some great amusement.

    Lawyer Mom: If only I looked that good in a thong. :)

    Sherri: I'm scared to go over there because I fear backfat.

    Shawn: I know you have that book. You can't fool me.

    Madame DeFarge: I think if you're scared that means you're okay.

    Margo: Those are nuns with rulers.

    Things We Carried and Jay: Thank you for visiting and for your kind words. :)

    Bex: Takes all kinds, I guess. If it weren't for them what would I have to talk about, right? Oh wait... all the other weird things in my life. I remember now.

    Becky: Yeah, that 1% is pretty darn good, ain't it??

  13. The moldy avocado led me here, but that 1% will keep me coming back.

    And hard gummy worms? That's a kink I never even considered.

    I still don't know about these moldy avocados, though. Can I cut away the mold and make guacamole? If I do, will my snack then be known as guacamoldy? These are the questions I need answered.

    If I never come back, then you should probably steer clear of moldy avocados. Here I go...


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