April 1, 2009

More of the P-Word

I don't think I did this. I really, really, really don't think it's my fault that my kids want to say "penis" all the time. I think it's just because they have them -- that's what makes them do it. You don't see women running around saying the V-word all the time. What is with the P-word?

I am the mother of Beavis and Butthead. And they're not even teenagers yet.

Julius in particular delights in trying to get The Toddler to say inappropriate things. I hear Julius laughing hysterically in the back seat. "Mom, Tristan said penis!"

"Okay, let's not talk about that. Stop getting him to say stuff like that. I don't want to be out somewhere in a restaurant and Tristan starts saying 'penis'."

And it turns out THAT was totally the wrong thing to say because Julius thought that was awesome.

After he got done laughing his head off he said, "Oh Mom, that would be so FUNNY if he just yelled right out loud, 'Big giant penis!' right there in the restaurant."

"Yeah, funny if it wasn't OUR family."

"No, it would be funny even if it was our family."

"Okay, we're done talking about it now. Thank you."

We drive in silence for a few moments which began to lull me into a false sense of security. And then Julius says, "Mom, wouldn't it be cool if they had a Penis Day Parade? With big giant 60-foot penis floats that drove down the street?"

Would that be cool? No, my son, that would NOT be cool because we live in the bible belt with 2,499 other people and what that would mean is that the pagans have overrun the city and fire would rain from the sky and old ladies would be turning into pillars of salt. Peasants with torches and pitchforks would storm down our driveway and demand that I deliver you up, because, after all... it was YOUR idea, this grand Penis Day Parade. And I would have to throw my arms out to the side and block the door and bellow to the angry mob before me, "NO! YOU SHALL NOT TAKE MY SON!" And I'd be there by myself because your dad might be down at the Penis Day Parade because I forgot to remind him about the angry mob that would eventually be coming to our house and because I didn't remind him he'd be downtown watching the women in the nude-colored leotards and the roller skates who have ribbons that they wave around as they skate between the giant penis floats.

That's what I thought in the split second before I started yelling, "STOP TALKING ABOUT PENISES NOW, OKAY?"

A guy driving past looked at me and waved, smiling. I'm sure he could read my lips and see that I was talking about penises and now in about five minutes my cell phone would ring and my mom would be on the line saying, "There's talk in the town that you're driving around with the boys talking about penises. What will people think?"

Well, Mom, people will think that I have Beavis and Butthead for kids WHICH IS TRUE.

[photo credit: prosto photo]


  1. My young nephew has a penis. I know this because everytime I visit he wants to talk about it or show it to me.

    Last visit, he ran into the room, announced "My penis is strong" and showed me his teeny erection...

  2. Seriously ... you are one of the funniest people I know!!

    We didn't have penis conversations at my house when the kids were growing up. Since my son was the only male in the house, he had to put up with chats about periods and cramps and pads with or without wings. Poor Eric used to cover his ears and start swaying and mumbling "Little brother in the room ... little brother in the room". Poor guy ... LOL.

  3. i know what you mean, i only have one son but my husband acts like he's 10....they actually have a CD with nothing but gas noises on it...and they want to play it for me (mom! you have to listen to this it's HILARIOUS!!) while i'm in the car!!!

    i think not....

  4. I laughed so much at this one. The image of the mob will stay with me for some time :)

  5. oo dear i THOUGHT i left a message on your prior post about girlfriends!! something must've happened to it...ghost of best girlfriend past must have messed with it...

    okay! you're the winner!! please email me at jeanzosss at yahoo dot com!!


  6. I simply think Julius and Tristan are great. They are funneeeeeee. You are funny too. I enjoyed your penis story very much. Oops! Did I just say "penis" out loud? As far as the rest of the 2499 people you mentioned, tell them to suck it.

  7. hee hee. Isn't it cool how that volume of thought can, indeed, go through our minds in a split second? How old is Julius? He sounds great. lol. When my 13-yr-old was a toddler he used to complain, rather frequently, "my tinkler is fat." lol. There was no censorship on his articulation of this fact depending on our public or private whereabouts...

  8. Ha! That reminds me of the time me and my mom were in Sears around Christmastime. I was doing the "I gotta go" dance and she was ignoring me, looking through dresses. Finally, I yelled, "Mom, my penis is about to EXPLODE!!" She was so embarrassed.

    Ah, to be twenty again.

  9. It's things like this that make me miss having a young child around. You know, the stuff you can look back at and laugh at...that you are probably laughing at already. lol

    My son went through a phase when he first learned the technical terms for genitalia. It was so embarrassing, but I knew it would get worse if I let him see that. After a few days, he realized he wasn't getting a rise (no pun intended) out of anybody, he quickly moved on to talking about The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers ad nauseam (though he did ask me once if the Green Ranger had a penis too.)

  10. Alantru: That's great blackmail material.

    Tati: Love you, sis, even though you are a sadistic mom. Poor Eric.

    Jean: My boys would be so happy if they could have a CD like that!

  11. Madame DeFarge: The beauty of living in a small town is that every day you risk the angry mob. There is never a lack of angry mob around here. :)

    Jim Donahue: Congratulations on exercising your freedom of speech.

    Carl: In about five minutes my mom will be calling you on your cell phone.

    Funnyrunner: Julius is 6 going on 13. "Tinkler"? Now THAT'S funny. :)

    Shark Tank: Did you ever see that scene in the movie "Mother" with Albert Brooks and his mom in the lingerie store? That's you, isn't it?

    Tantra Flower: We started with the technical terms just so I wouldn't have to deal with it later. The problem is now he things words like "weenie" are really funny because he's learning those in school. (And I'm thinking, shouldn't he be learning about things like where Burkina Faso is instead?)

  12. You do know boys' pee kills girls, right? At least, per Mr. M.

    This was hysterical!

    For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction . . . so I guess moms will have to pan all penis talk if we want to stop the parades.

  13. My nephew is at that stage, too, only he doesn't say penis. He says nuts, even when he's talking about the part that's not technically nuts. I think Zack & Cody might have called them that or something. As soon as he hears one of his TV idols call it a penis, he'll be calling it that as well I'm sure and laughing like your kids. He already thinks it's funny to almost say a cuss word and then ask permission to say it, like someone is really going to tell him to say it loud and say it proud. He probably will one day, and I'm right there in the bible belt with you, so you know how well that will go over when he starts dropping the F-bomb at the top of his lungs.

  14. The other day my 3 yr-old nephew "leaked" and had to go around naked from the waste down. We were both sitting at the bar eating when I look over and he's giving me this big smile and points down. He has carefully placed his penis in between his thighs so it is pointing straight up. Then he started to point and touch it to make sure I noticed the awesome thing he has done. I just told him not to touch it or we'd have to wash his hands because he was eating.

    I'm so glad I don't have kids.

  15. did you hear the news story about some teenager who erected a giant penis the roof of his house? it is a recent event and i think it was a 30 footer.

  16. actually it was painted on the roof to attract google maps and it 60 foot. here's a link to the artichttp://www.huliq.com/3257/78988/son-paints-60-foot-phallus-familys-roof-parents-not-amusedle

  17. Where would this Penis Day Parade be?....I might want to check it out LOL jp I hope, hope, hope he doesn't blurt out "Big Giant Penis!" in the restaurant...um, you didn't hear any dares being made did you?

  18. Oh it's all "penis" and "stinky poopoo head" at our house.

  19. sorry the link i left was wrong. for some reason my cursor keeps jumping around with a mind of it's own. this is the story about the kid drawing a p on the roof. i'll use preview next time!


  20. This made me laugh out loud. I grew up in a house of girls. No penis talk. Now that I have a husband and two boys, that's all I hear! My youngest son is, um... rather well endowed... He wakes up occaisionally, um... aroused(?!?) and says "Mama, my peepee is weally, weally beeeeeeg!"

  21. This was sooooooooo great, that I had to read it to my husband. As parents of 2 boys... Well, we appreciate.

    And I'm sending a link to it, to one of my d-in-laws, who had 2 young sons. -grinnnnnnn- 8 and 4 at the moment. Seeee, I'm sure she will appreciate this!!!
    I keep telling her, that it will only get worse. Well, I say that, as I'm giggling uncontrolably at the 'latest,' which has gone on over there. -giggles- It so like re-living my earlier years.

    But, of course, this time around, I seeeeeeeeee the humor. lol

    'Aunt Amelia'


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