May 15, 2009

Self-Defense Advice

Tristan and I were hanging out having a bowl of popcorn while I watched some police drama on TV.

Well, I was eating popcorn. He was smashing popcorn into the couch and smiling a lot. Smashing popcorn into the upholstery is really cool. Til Dad gets home and asks why that is being allowed to happen. For some reason he never likes my answer which is almost always, "Well, he was being really quiet."

Now I've learned to change it up a little bit. I'm currently cycling through a few different excuses like... I was having a seizure and blacked out. Or... my blood sugar was low and I nodded off. If I'm really desperate I use... Oh sorry, I didn't notice. For a really special time I'm saving... The alien light was in my eyes and I was freaking out. Or maybe... I ran out to meet the ice cream truck and it was like that when I got back. He might also possibly fall for... The DVR fast forward button stuck and I had to run to the kitchen for a butter knife. Telemarketer called? Avon? Jehovah's Witnesses? Child Protective Services was at the door?

But as the popcorn was being smashed an altercation was occurring on the TV screen. Two men struggled, flung themselves around the room, knocking pictures off the wall, falling over couches. Your basic fake TV fighting.

Tristan glances up at the TV and watches for a second. Then in perfect, clear English (not his usual Toddler-ese) he yells, "HIT HIS PENIS!"

Right at that moment I was wishing there was another adult in the house to administer the Heimlich maneuver on me. My sister-in-law said the directions for self-administering the Heimlich is in the front of her phone book. It's not in my phone book because I have a crummy Arkansas phone book and the people who make my phone book are either jerks who think Arkansas people can't read and follow directions or they are trying to figure out a way to legally kill rednecks south of the Mason-Dixon line.

However, despite the fact that my phone company is trying to kill me, I didn't die that night. I lived on to retell the story to my family at which time Julius proudly announced that he is the one who taught Tristan that if an intruder breaks into our house that the best self-defense method is to kick the intruder in the penis. Obviously, Tristan is a very good student.

Coincidentally, this is the same week the daycare lady hinted around to me that there was probably some overuse of the word "penis" in our household since Tristan felt perfectly comfortable discussing his penis at the snack table not once, but FOUR times. I thought she was being silly about it until this morning I hear him yelling, "GIANT PENIS" at a Batman cartoon.

My new plan is a re-education program wherein we rename the penis to something less alarming such as "supercalifradgalisticexpialidocious" because Tristan won't be able to say that until he's eight. And, frankly, it's a little annoying anyway, because if anyone in the house is yelling "giant penis" I think it should be me. My life is sunshine and butterflies.


  1. If he's not yelling it at the grocery store, you're doing A-okay. Since he's so comfortable and all, at least he won't got nuts on you during his next exam at the doc's office.

    So there's a way to self-administer the Heimlich?

  2. Yes, it basically involves you running yourself into the back of a chair. And from what I understand it works.

  3. Ohhh, way too much hilarity in this post. I can't even pick out a favorite part (although the crossed out section in definitely in the running).

    Perhaps rather than come up with excuses, you could simply explain to your husband the benefits of grinding popcorn into the couch. I have absolutely no doubt that you could come up with some.

  4. Okay, you throw yourself over the back of the chair - you don't just run into it. And here's a hint: Don't use a chair with wheels. The one time i tried it was over the back of my computer chair and it kept running away from me ...

  5. The people in my office are looking over at me laughing...(I hate open cubicles) My shoulders are shaking and tears are rolling down my face, I'm trying to be quiet...and I think they realize that I'm not working today...maybe this will get me fired...I hope so.

    You crack me up...

    Tatiana-you crack me up too! I can just see the chair rolling away from you as you try to stop the choking!

  6. Hilarious story! Funny, funny responses!

  7. Hope the sunshine and butterflies stay around because the rest of us are getting a kick out of your life!! Thanks for the dose of the giggles!

  8. With respect to your list of responses to Rob about the food product in the sofa, you could try "what? how did that get there?"
    "I thought the oils would help preserve it"
    or "bite me?" Definitely say bite me as a question . . .it's off setting.

    and you should ask Julius and Tristan what to do when being attacked by a woman (who, by the way, don't have penises)

  9. I think penis is an excellent word and much better than some other nicknames I could, I think the daycare lady should lighten up a little bit. Love this post and I am so glad that someone else's life is full of sunshine and butterflies...

  10. I also don't like when there's too much penis around.

  11. I think the daycare lady gets paid to listen to that stuff. When your son gets to point of whippin' out his wanger and peeing in the front yard while cars are passing by, hmmm, might discussion time. Meanwhile, don't want to make him more aware of his unit than he already is. My take.

    Funny post!

  12. I am a secret popcorn smasher. I used to say, 'Hit him between the legs.' I didn't learn the P word until much later.

  13. I can't get enough of the Tristan Chronicles! Also, I was cracking up at the image of you dashing toward a kitchen chair ;)

  14. Hahahahaa! *Snort*

    Tristan does sound a lot of fun to have around! LOL! And I'm glad to hear your life is sunshine and butterflies.


    Still laughing.

  15. Haha...the stories of your kiddie antics crack me up!

  16. LLOL. Oh golly that's a funny one. Tristan certainly is obsessed with penises, huh? Makes for good blogging material, but not necessarily good for company?

  17. Oh my goodness! I've just been sitting here reading and I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard!!! Keep it coming! :)


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