May 6, 2009

Faulty Logic and Things that are Just Plain Wrong

My son Tristan, who is 2.5 years old, has faulty logic. I don't hold it against him since he's young. (I save the scorn and ridicule until he's about three, so please don't think I'm cruel.) He also has some strange ideas about life -- many, many things he will eventually unlearn between now and the time he has to find a wife who will agree to marry him.

Examples of Faulty Logic:

  • The police car has a flashing light on top. The recycle truck has a flashing light on top of it, therefore it is a police car. (This is a point he strenuously argues with me and I've yet to win.)
  • Tristan loves Mommy and likes to hug her. Mommy loves Tristan and likes to be squeezed tight. Tristan loves ducks and wants to hug them, therefore ducks must love him and like to be squeezed tight.
  • Daddy killed a bug, therefore all bugs are bad and must be destroyed.
  • Julius is funny and cool when he pretends to be killed by bad guys, therefore dying and being dead is funny and cool.
  • Bubbles look good, therefore they must taste good.
  • Superman has extraordinary physical superpowers. Tristan is just like Superman, therefore Tristan has extraordinary physical superpowers.

It's not always a logic problem. Sometimes it's just wrong assumptions.

Mr. Miller, my intimidating 12th grade English teacher, wrote on the board the word ASSUME in big letters. He stood up there with a piece of chalk in his twisted hands (he had very severe rheumatoid arthritis). He said, "Do you know what the word ASSUME means?"

We all stared at him wide-eyed and in dead silence because we were all too afraid to speak. We didn't have to speak. He continued, "To ASSUME, makes an ASS (underlines A-S-S with his chalk) out of U (underlines U) and ME (underlines ME)."

[Cue adolescent tittering.]

Not having the benefit of Mr. Miller's fine tutelage, Tristan often makes these incorrect assumptions about life.

Examples of Incorrect Assumptions about Life:

  • Kittens like to be folded in half.
  • A puddle does not achieve its destiny until a little boy has jumped in it.
  • Everyone likes it when you burp at the dinner table.
  • If you don't get your way, the proper reaction is to punch the person closest to you.
  • Mommy thinks it's funny when you run away from her.
  • The youngest person in the house always has dibs on the TV.
  • Anything a grown-up has to do is fun.
  • Crashing the car would be a lot of fun.
  • Anyone who is on their hands and knees wants to play Horsie with you.
  • Mommy has a big butt. (Okay, this one might be true. Although, "big" is relative, right?)
  • Bathwater is a fine and tasty beverage.
  • It's okay to try to put your finger in your brother's bottom.
  • The kitchen floor is a trash can.
  • If anyone is doing dishes, it's important to put your hands in the water up to the elbows as a show of support.
  • It's fine to say "penis" out loud whenever you want. Frequently.

Do you have any assumptions that you never outgrew? Tell me all about it!

(And if you like weird lists about Tristan, you definitely should read this old post called, "If I Were My Toddler...")


  1. I don't see where "all bugs are bad and must be destroyed" is faulty logic.

  2. Mr. Miller must have seen The Bad News Bears (and I'm talking about the original and funny one starring Walter Matthau, not that horrible hackish remake with Billy Bob Thornton.) That still makes me chuckle.

    My son's faulty logic told him that in order to go anywhere we had to have keys. Even to the mailbox. lol

  3. LOL. When my friend's daughter was around 4, my friend washed her daughter's mouth out with soap with a fair degree of frequency for yelling or whatever the transgression. My friend came home with a new bar of lavendar soap. Her daughter smelled it, took in its essence, and said: "mmmm that smells so good.... I wonder how it tastes?"

  4. One day my mom and I visited her newlywed sister Bonnie who was cooking leg of lamb. When Bonnie opened the door my mom said, "Wow! Your leg smells great!" whereupon I began smelling Bonnie's thigh in earnest.

  5. Yes, I still think it's fine to yell "penis" out loud whenever I want to. Which is frequently.

  6. Ahh, the children don't ever grow out of faulty logic. My 18 yr old son:
    1. Assumes the curfew that his mom establishes really means calling her at that established time and telling her he will be 15 to 20 minutes late.
    2. Assumes that dirty laundry magically gets done, even when it's crammed in all the nooks and crannies of said son's room.
    3. Must assume that lights turn themselves off.
    4. Must assume that anyone over the age of 25 is a complete idiot. Why else does he role his eyes, and comment on his mom's lack of knowledge of such things.

    This is fun...

  7. His logic will serve him well in the manly world.

    I still assume that drinking on an empty stomach will not lead to problems the next morning. And that cocktails are a source of fruit.

  8. Maybe it's just me, but Tristan's assumptions are just fine. The rest of the world needs to adjust. :)

  9. Ha, I love this post. What IS it about the bathwater, eh?

  10. Hahahaaha!!! I love all the assumptions, although I must assume that the kitty didn't.. And neither did the brother. LOL!

  11. I absolutely loved this post...says my world for sure!!!


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