May 2, 2009

Roger Williams, Mr. Williams the Brother, William Johnson and the Mysterious Mr. Bertram

My 6-year-old son has learned two things in close temporal proximity: 1) how to dial my cell phone number and 2) how to make prank phone calls.

Yesterday I was killing zombies on the Playstation doing something really important, when my cell phone rang.

Me: Hello?
Julius [with a fake voice]: This is Roger Williams. I would like to buy a 2-story house.
Me: Really? Do you have any money?
J: Yes.
Me: How much?
J: Um, well, a whole bank full.
Me: Do you have a family?
J: Yes, a wife and a boy and a girl.
Me: So you'd like a nice yard for your kids?
J: Oh, yes, definitely.
Me: Mr. Williams, when would you like to see this house?
J: Well, I think in the morning, very early. I will meet you at your office.
Me: Okay, thanks Mr. Williams. See you tomorrow.

We hang up. I go back to trying to get a head-shot on the wobbling undead what I was doing and Julius's little orange head pops around the corner. He wants to know who I was talking to. "Some guy named Mr. Williams. I'm going to show him a house tomorrow." He smiles and tells me how great that is and then disappears back into the bedroom.

A minute later the phone rings.

Me: Hello?
J: This is Mr. Bertram.
Me: Mr. Bertram? (Where does he get these names??)
J: Yes. Mr. Bertram. I'd like to buy a one-story house.
Me: Okay. How much would you like to spend?
J: Um... probably one hundred dollars.
Me: Probably more like one hundred THOUSAND dollars.
J: Okay, I will spend that.
Me: When would you like to go look?
J: I would like to go early in the morning. Maybe after you drop your son off at school. (My gosh, Mr. Bertram is a stalker who knows I have a son!)
Me: I already have an appointment with someone named Mr. Williams so we'll have to make it mid-morning, like around 10 o'clock. Is that okay?
J: Yes, that's good. See you then.

Right in the middle of a big zombie swarm editing a document, the phone rings again. This time it's Mr. Williams the brother of Roger Williams. He also wants a two-story house because his brother is getting one. When I ask if he wants one next to his brother he says, "Oh yes, that would be great. If it's next to my brother's house I would even take a one-story. I don't care." The longer this strangeness went on the better he was getting at it.

Again, here comes the redhead. "Mom, I heard you talking to someone. Who was that?" I told him he wouldn't believe it, but I had THREE appointments tomorrow. We were going to be RICH! He smiled and said, "That's awesome mom. I'm going back in here to... take a nap." Yeah, like that would ever happen without me threatening you or giving you Benadryl.

The fourth time the phone range, I finally had enough points to buy a zombie-spattering shotgun was washing dishes. This call was chaotic. It was someone claiming at first to be William Johnson. Then he said he was a brother to Mr. Williams. So maybe they were half brothers or step brothers. Mr. Johnson had four children, one fat cat and one skinny dog and could pay cash. Oh if only life were like a prank phone call.

Finally, I had to put my foot down when he dialed my mom's phone. In a high pitched ladies voice he said, "Helloooo, this is your friend Gloria...."

I fear my future.


  1. Too funny!! And you are so good to play along.

  2. If only my work calls were half so intelligent and interesting. If I give you my office number, he can ring me all day. Makes a change from people demanding meetings and deadlines. He'd make more sense.

  3. Oh so funny. I always relied on Benadryl when my boy was little...


  4. I am laughing! What a fun guy. I fear that we are in for the same.

    The names are hilarious.

  5. Don't forget to tell him how disappointed you were when those 3 guys didn't show.

  6. Funny story! He sounds like a charming little piece of work. If only life were like a prank phonecall :)

  7. LOL Too cute and hopefully bought you enough time to finish killing off those zombies!

  8. Literal guffawing here.

    Something about the Williams brothers reminds me of the three pigs, trying to get the best house but one that fits individual needs.

  9. BWAHAHAH! Brilliant!!! Mine would call people and then...not talk...So you'd hear a disembodied voice going 'hello? hello?' and have to find the phone.

  10. he is FAR too smart for a six year old! you will have your hands even MORE full than they already are!

    i happen to be reading: the zombie survival guide by max brooks. its very informative. maybe it will help you with your game - er - endeavors?

  11. I love how he kept coming out to check on his results.

  12. hee hee! Golly - thank goodness I grew up when I did. Kids can't prank call anymore with caller ID...


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