January 13, 2009

Melon Pits

I don't know about you, but I get really tired of buying the same old shampoo and anti-perspirant and toothpaste all the time.

I stand there in the store and browse the stink repellent, bored, going down the checklist: Spring Rain, Shower Fresh, Satin Breeze, Floral Fusion, Baby Powder, Summer Breeze, Sporty Fresh, Rose Petals, etc and ad nauseum.

One day I was standing there in pre-seizure posture, eyes rolling back in my head slightly, when I spied "Melon". Hmm, melon! Melon is fresh, summery, but most importantly DIFFERENT.

The next day I was energized and ready to take on the world, having the prospects of varied and more interesting underarms. I pulled the cap off and began to apply said deoderant and realized it really DID smell like watermelon.

My armpits smelled like watermelon.

My subsequent thought was how wrong that really is. I mean, does any woman want her underarms to smell like food? While fresh, that's not really sexy is it? In fact, that seems like it is sort of anti-sexy.

Imagine it... you're in the throes of a passionate embrace. Your lover runs his hands through your hair, nuzzles your neck, is really getting into the total body embrace and gasps, "Oh, yeah. Baby you smell just like... WATERMELON. Mmm." Unless, of course, you're into the whole doing-it-in-the-produce-department thing. Some people are. Not that I would know. Although, one time, in band camp...

But I digress.

I propose a whole new line of deoderants. Below is my short list of names, all copyrighted, so if you're a deoderant company and you want to use any of these you just call and let me know. We'll work a deal and then we'll both be rich. These are all guaranteed to drive men wild. They can double as a cologne and an anti-perspirant.

Proposed Line of Drive Men Wild Anti-Perspirants(TM):

  • Fresh Pizza and Beer (my one exception to the no-food pits rule)
  • Just Had Great Sex (high-performance line)
  • Just Cashed My Paycheck
  • Just Got a Promotion
  • On the Rebound
  • Your Best Friend Thinks I'm Hot (high-performance line)
  • Nascar Laps (comes with tire track temp.tattoos)
  • Dirty Secrets
  • Deer Musk
  • Girl with Gun (buy two, get free Bond film on Blue-Ray)
  • Half-Time Show (buy two, get mail-in coupon for free chips and salsa)
  • Tequila, Tequila, Tequila (comes with lime body splash)
  • Naughty and Nice
  • Phertile Pheromone (package with coupon for $1 off pregnancy test)

Those checks are gonna be rolling in any day now. I can feel it in my armpits.

[photo credit: rawallison]


  1. "does any woman want her underarms to smell like food"

    Actually... before there was such a thing as deodorants women would put apple slices in their armpits to get rid of the "stink".

    I'd be interested in "Gasoline and Gunpowder" if you ever get a contract. ;o)

  2. Kadri, you have to be kidding me. Oh, yuck.

    LOL... "Gasoline and Gunpowder", I love it. In fact, coincidentally I was thinking of a gasoline one, something like "Gasoline on a Spring Breeze" but I thought, "nah, that might be too weird."

    Apparently it was just weird enough! But your improvement is most excellent!!

    Envie, thanks for stopping in again! :)

  3. I had a brainstorm driving to the office today... technically I only started this new deoderant business yesterday, but that might be enough to qualify me for a government bailout. What do you think??

  4. I love Nascar Tracks. HAHAHA. I know nothing turns me on more than the smell of gasoline and burnt rubber!


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