December 12, 2008

If I Were My Toddler...

The other day I was driving somewhere and my 2-year-old was in the back seat. He doesn't really talk much and much of what he says is indecipherable. (Often I have had very superior mothers claim to me that they understand everything their children say, so in an effort to make myself feel better I have recently decided that they're all big fat liars.)

That particular day Tristan was pointing out the window claiming to have seen a wolf. A wolf, I asked to be sure I heard correctly.

"Yeah. Vuff. Beebee."

"A baby wolf?", still making sure. Often he will repeat the word 647 times until I guess correctly what he is saying.

"Yeah. Beep."

I glanced out the window. Nothing but woods. "There's a sheep in there? With the baby wolf?"

"Beeps!" Aah, more than one sheep then.

He often will make outlandish claims about what is outside the window. I find myself hoping it is a fertile imagination and not some kind of chemical malfunction that makes him delusional. Or worse, that he actually DOES see something that I don't.

All of this got my mind to wondering what exactly the world would be like if we didn't outgrow the things we do as small children. What a strange, surreal, unpredictable (and possibly horrifying) world it would be if we did not rid ourselves of the madness that plagues us as children.

In celebration of my merging into adulthood (which I keep saying could happen Any Day Now) here is my list of Things I Would Do If I Were My Toddler:

  • Insist constantly that I be served candy for breakfast (oh wait, I do this!)
  • Refuse to speak when spoken to
  • Hide my face when strangers speak to me
  • Slap my brothers when they piss me off
  • Kick my mother in the shin if she refuses to give me what I want
  • Pee in my pants during business meetings
  • Throw food across the table or onto the floor because it's hilarious
  • Fall to the ground and growl like an animal when I'm frustrated
  • Insist there is a tiger in the potted plant at the doctor's office
  • When people are talking to me, run away down the street if they break eye contact for the slightest moment
  • Wear my shoes on the wrong feet even after I've been told they are on the wrong feet
  • Crossdress
  • At a special nice meal, let food fall out of my mouth and say, "Blehhhhhh...."
  • Jump up and down in the booth seats at restaurants
  • Draw on the important papers of my colleagues with large, black permanent markers
  • Claim there are farm animals in the woods when there actually are not
  • Scrub the toilet with other people's toothbrushes
  • Pull women's shirts down so I can look at their "bips" (breasts)
  • Run in circles yelling, "ayyayayayayayayayayay" when people are trying to tell me something important
  • Pile parking lot gravel on people's bumpers
  • Do belly flops in a full bathtub
  • Take off my shoes and socks when we're on a road trip (oh wait, I do that!)

Yes, these are all things he does at any random moment and it's perfectly fine because he's two and only he can get away with it.

What wild and crazy things do you wish you could do that you DON'T because it's not socially acceptable? Let's pretend, on paper, there are no rules -- what would you do?


  1. LOL! Hilarious post.

    I would seriously just be so forthright and obvious with people. I have enough issues with social games.

  2. That is so much more of a fun list than the last one. I just want to weigh in on Tristan's behalf here.

    a) There ARE farm animals in the woods.

    b) Pulling down women's shirts will be age-inappropriate for you soon. Get in now.

    and c) "Ayayayayayayayayay" is always a good repsonse to what "people" think is "important".

  3. Sounds like your son is quite the little rascal sometimes :) Thanks for giving me a little peak into what the future might hold for me (mine is only six months old now)

  4. Three year old boys are my favorite human beings on the face of the planet. They speak their own language and tell it like it is!

  5. ha.. very nice post! I love the 'ayayayayayyayaya' part, and I'm actually laughing out at my desk here while reading the rest.

  6. I have a bad habit of not actually addressing the call to action with which you often conclude. So:

    1. street golf
    2. shoot cigs out of smokers mouths with rubber band
    3. eat pasta in the library

  7. Envie, what a world that would be!

    Chris, I will pass these on to Tristan, or try to. I'll scream it over the "ayayayaya". :)

    E.L., brace for impact! Also, go over and read Chris's Diary of Dadness. He has two boys also and is way less uptight than me.

    Ninja and Ching Ya, I am delighted you visited. Keep loving life... it is too much fun.

  8. Chris again, I bet you could actually get away with 1 and 3, at least a little bit. I'm with you on the pasta. People should be allowed to eat pasta anywhere they want. There should be some kind of measure passed or something.

  9. oh my gosh, this was so funny! My son will be 2 soon and he talks non-stop...I have no idea what he's saying! It's getting a little more clear now. I can't wait to figure out what he's been talking about this whole time. ;)

    Thanks for visiting my blog. I went searching for a post regarding my process, and you're right- there isn't one! I will work on that. Is there anything in particular that you would want to know?

  10. Oh, how funny. But guess what? When you get quite elderly you can do some of those things you mentioned and be forgiven for it. Personally, I would like to walk naked down the street and not care. Just do my food shopping and all in the nude. I am not sure why this appeals to me, but it does. Maybe it just seems so liberating.

  11. This was hillarious and quiet wonderful! *LOL*
    I've SO often envied toddlers their ability to express emotion and thought wherever and whenever they want to.
    I see elephants and other creatures wandering across the savannas all the time. Okay, they're cows...walking in the toddlevision is so much more fun!

  12. "Toddlevision"... I love that word! :) Thanks, Neen!

  13. I think I would like to have the ability to disappear, right in front of people instantly. But I would only do it to one person at a time and never materialize in front of anyone. Super power? No, I would call that a Superb Power.


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