July 6, 2009

Messages from the Mothership

I was on the phone with my mom the other night bragging (again) about my husband's meat roast. It was a fabulous affair.

When it came time to do the dishes I, of course, feigned a dire bathroom emergency and excused myself. As karmic punishment, God smote me with a silver-white hair right in the middle of my head.

And when I say "silver-white", I cannot stress enough how white it really was. It was neon white, bright hollywood-smile-white, white like a glowing hot iron poker. It was white like a white sand beach in the sun, a pristine new china plate, white like teeth under a black light. It effervesced whiteness. I even turned off the light to see if I could see it and I swear it was glowing in the dim light of my tiny little bathroom.

When I turned the light back on it waved as if to get my attention. And as if it wasn't noticeable enough with all its white glowing-whiteness it also stood straight up and curled at the top like a big question mark as if asking, "How old are you exactly?"

My answer, of course, was to get out a tiny little pair of scissors and snip it down to nothingness. Except I think I cut out about ten other hairs accidentally before I finally got the major offender. I heard somewhere that if you pluck a gray hair three grow back in its place. I'm not sure what happens if you pluck a mutant, radioactive white hair. Maybe it instantly turns your whole head white. I didn't want to take the chance without looking it up on the Internet first.

I called my still-ailing mother to tell her we had made her a plate of food and would be delivering it to her and then told her about the fluorescent whiteness sprouting from my noggin. My mom is the one I get my full-bodied compassion from. In true form she laughed and said, "Oh ho!"

I described to her in full detail the very whiteness of this glowing beam of whiteness emanating my from follicles. In all her wisdom, she then revealed The Truth to me.

Mom: You need more zinc. You're zinc deficient. Are you taking a multivitamin?

Me: No. I have trouble swallowing them.

Mom: You should be taking a multivitamin. You should take liquid then. That's what your brother does. You need some B12.

Me: I took some of yours from the office. It made me too nervous.

Mom: That's not nerves, that's energy. You've been tired so long you don't even know what it feels like to have energy.

Me: If I take that B12 I'm going to have to take a Xanax to go with it.

Mom: Did you pluck that gray hair out?

Me: It was WHITE, not gray. Like really, really, REALLY WHITE. And it curled up like a weird mutant hair.

Mom: Like a pig bristle?

Me: Gross, no, not like a pig bristle. You're not spose to pluck them out because I heard a whole bunch grow back in. I don't know if that's true but I figured I shouldn't take the chance so I cut it off with the scissors.

Mom: You shouldn't have done that.

Me: Why not?

Mom: Because it was your Wisdom Hair.

Me: My Wisdom Hair?

Mom: Yes.

Me: And now I don't have one because I cut it off?

Mom: Yes.

Me: Great.

Mom: Actually, I think it was your antenna. It was there because you're supposed to be doing important things in this world, making it a better place. That was your antenna so you can get messages from the Mothership so you'll know what to do. And now you won't get the messages.

Me: I don't think it was working anyway.

Mom: Well, now you'll never know.

44 comments:

  1. Your mom is hysterical ... that must be where you get it!

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  2. Girl,, you aint right... lol.. You want to see gray hair jump to my site. Also read my "attitude" about my gray headed ole'woman.. lolol.. anyhow, I enjoy had a "grin"this morning..

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  3. OMG! This is the best post I've read in a long time. STELLAR!!! I'm still laughing!

    I have to tell you, I am one smart cookie if your mom is telling the truth. I am only 34 and have 10's... NAY 100's of these rogue, white, course hairs! Now I'm off to the pharmacy to buy zinc and b-12 in bulk because anything is easier than spending hours in the salon chair.

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  4. HAHA! I love ur mom, Wendy :D

    An antenna to connect you to the Mothership..haha!

    30% of my hair is white, really WHITE..I wonder what the Mothership is doing trying to send me messages before time, which I obviously am not receiving despite all the whiteness on my head.

    ps I hope Julius is doing great..

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  5. haha! I have quite a few white hairs and I'm only 28. My dad was completely gray headed by the time he was 30. I'm starting to get scared.

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  6. Rolling on the floor! My ex husband called me the other day to complain about HIS white not gray hairs. He was incredibly distraught. I laughed. He however does not have just one. If he brings it up again I will tell him that they are wisdom hairs and he should stop getting ride of them because he needs all the wisdom he can get!

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  7. I had a Wisdom Hair this morning, same spot. Plucked it without even considering the consequences. Which I'm pretty sure are damaged hair folicles that stop producing hair altogether leaving me with a nice bald spot somewhere down the line.

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  8. hahaha! that's awesome! sounds like a conversation that my family would have! :)

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  9. Was it long? 'Cause surely you would've seen it before it got that long. Were you painting or something? Perhaps you accidently got some in your hair. :)

    Your mom has quite an imagination though!!

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  10. No worries. It'll grow back!!

    I can no longer cut or, my preferred method, my white hair. Bald is not a look that I appreciate. Hair color is a wonderful thing!

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  11. Wendy, I love your posts. I have these white hairs pop up a lot too. I pluck them out, and hand one to each of my three kids and inform them that they are the ones that made these hairs turn white. ;o)

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  12. I started out plucking those hairs. Now I just dye them. Your mom is hilarious, too!

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  13. oh my goodness.. thanks so much for sharing your mother's wit with us.. i got the biggest belly laugh from her 'wisdom'!! oh, and i have those little buggers as well.. just ask my hair stylist! ;)

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  14. Ask your mom what to do with a wisdom hair that grows on your chin. Even if 3 don't grow back, I can't just leave it there!

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  15. This explains why my husband says I'm such a wiseass!
    (We're talking 60% white, here! lol)

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  16. I found one of those sneaky little bastards the other day! I yanked him out by the root.

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  17. NOW it'll come back BLACK and grow out your CHIN!
    REOGICHI!
    reogichi...word verification...sounds like a good karmic word.

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  18. Your mom is one hilarious lady!

    I hate those white hairs. I started getting them in my early 20s. Obviously I was Hitler in a past life to deserve such punishment.

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  19. Mon, Jul 6, 2009

    Wish I'd had a mom like yours? Is she interested in adopting a 59 yr old single grandma who adores her sense of humor, and your blog?

    Grandma's Treasure Box

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  20. Good gad, what's with all the grey hair fear and loathing? Grey hair is gorgeous -- and Wendy, WHITE hair is the MOST gorgeous. Lucky you! I'm letting mine grow in after coloring (for fun, not for faux youth) for a long time, and it's not coming in grey ENOUGH, so I envy you. People need to get over this crazy fear of aging, because you know what? It's going to happen anyway, and then you'll just look like some desperate old hag clinging vainly to days gone by. You know I'm right. You're welcome. :-)

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  21. Wendy,

    I am quite sure that Emmylou Harris is not the ONLY woman who makes that hair color look so beautiful. Let it grow like the badge of honor that it is. Of ocurse that's easy for me to say, I'm a guy!!!!

    Shane
    http://bdgjm.blogspot.com

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  22. I want to meet your mom. And what happens if you find gray/white at age 16? I'm not just being curious. I'm being serious. Maybe I'll lie and say they're blonde highlights. :)

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  23. I was getting my hair cut a few weeks ago and my stylist stops in the middle of cutting the back of my hair at the base of my head... "Girls, come look at this! What is THAT?"

    I'm immediately thinking, OMG, do I have LICE! Darn those children at the house, they just have to share brushes with everyone. The other stylist comes over and says "Oh that's just grey hairs." Like, oh, her eyes are blue.

    I have apparently grown a head full of the kinky, kinkiest of all kinky grey hairs. I figure I'll need a straightener for my hair when I'm a little older, otherwise I'll look like Don King in drag.

    So I can totally empathize with your predicament. Getting old sucks! And I turn 41 next week, it's too SOON for that! I can't pluck these, there are too many.

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  24. wait till you get one of those whiteys on your CHIN!

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  25. oh my gosh, I cut my hair yesterday too! I also wrote about it on my blog... Oh, and not everybody's teeth are white under a black light. Mine are kind of neon greenish yellow. Hmmmm... maybe I shouldn't have admitted that... Anyway, you and your mom are hilarious.

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  26. So your mum is the OPPOSITE of those people who line their hats with tinfoil. She no crazy - she connected to mothership.

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  27. i've had worse: black, lush hairs under the nose at fourteen.

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  28. I think I love your mother! ROFL! She's funny!

    Actually, I've found that if you keep plucking hairs, they eventually get weaker and stop growing. The trouble with that, is that as the years pass, you'll end up completely bald. Me, I'd have only half an eyebrow on one side.

    Now, I ask you: which is worse?

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  29. Ah, yes, the first tinsel hair. Congratulations.

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  30. Your Mama is hilarious. By the way, I've got so many antennae to so many different motherships, I don't even know which is the real deal. I say cut off or color all those babies.

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  31. When my son was three, he noticed all the shiny gray and white hairs sprouting from my part and announced, "Mommy, you have sparklies -- are you a princess?"

    "Yes," I quickly replied. "Yes, Mommy is most definitely a princess."

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  32. Do you think a wisdom hair works kind of like wisdom teeth? People have those cut out all the time.

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  33. So a hilarious sense of humor is apparently hereditary! Maybe your mom should start her own blog! :)

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  34. I have now spent the evening checking to see if I have any such hairs. I am disappointed to report that there are none. I remain entirely foolish and wait upon a moment of wisdom. And a bottle of hair dye.

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  35. I found my first white hair just before my mom's 55th birthday. As I was in college with absolutely no money, I plucked it, put it in a baggie and mailed it to her in lieu of a present.

    I don't know if she found it amusing, but she did save it. She'll probably take it to the nursing home with her. "Look what kind of children I have. This is what they call a present."

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  37. PS: In my family, the women either go completely white by the time they're 50 or they gray a little, then lose their hair around 60. Gooooo WHITEIE!

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  38. Wendy -
    I check your blogs every day. I love the belly laughs I get from reading your posts!
    I am 40 and just last week had to wake up my daughter (minutes after saying goodnight) to show her the long thin white hair I thought was coming from above my ear... Then I pulled on it and it was coming from INSIDE my ear. Ewwwwww! I pulled that sucker out immediately & shared the blessed event with my 11-year-old who really got a kick out of it!
    Thank you for always being a bright spot in my day!
    :) mb

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  39. You're killing me! too funny!

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  40. I'm 45, but started graying in my 30s. My husband said, "Why are you always coloring your hair?" I said because I have to. I stopped for awhile. He said, "I know you like coloring your hair...maybe you should buy some color or would you like to go to the beauty shop?" The first one is always the most traumatic. Your mother is a dear to help you through this tough time with humor! She's the best! My mother is the exact opposite of your mother...she would say something like "that's what happens when you get old...get over it."

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  41. I love your mom, she's a hoot and a half. Just wait until more than half of your hair is the uber white ones. Yep mine came in super curly and thin not course like those gray buggers. My mom commented the other day how curly my hair was getting again as I get older. Moms are great aren't they.
    Hugs,
    Vikki

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  42. Sorry I haven't visited in awhile. My internet is sporadic at best.

    You should know that MOTHER KNOWS BEST!

    And NEVER, EVER, EVER pull/cut out a gray hair. Many more appear in it's place!

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