Two Open Letters

An Open Letter to Hummer

Dear Hummer,

I realize that you're not really marketed as a "family car". However, I was wondering the other day why it didn't occur to anyone to put a few family-friendly features into your car during the design process -- stuff that wouldn't really make it too "girly" or turn off the ruggedly masculine single men who purchase your vehicles.

Just little things, really, unnoticeable things like CHILD SAFETY LOCKS. In case you are not familiar with these, on most cars that are manufactured it's a little switch on the end of the door where the latch is that make it impossible for a two year old to open the door when you are going down the freeway at 65 miles per hour.

These days I'm sure my family's safety and your own liability are the farthest thing from your mind what with being bought by the government and all. I suppose that could work in our favor in the way of subsidies when my son is riding the short bus to school after he's gone ass-over-tea-kettle down the I-40 because he's experimenting with the door latches.

I'll apologize in advance if I have missed the child safety locks in some gross oversight on my part. However, I will tell you that when you're freaked out because your incorrigible toddler will not stop pulling on the door handle it's sometimes easy to be distracted. Especially when you're standing at the side of the freeway with semi-trucks passing within about three feet of you traveling 78 miles per hour which makes your vehicle rock violently from side to side.

We also took the time to call the Hummer dealership to ask about the missing child safety locks. Everyone there seemed equally bewildered and, hence, unhelpful. At least the call wasn't a complete waste. What with the hysterical laughing in the background I'm sure we really brightened someone's day there.

If you are considering adding these safety features in the future, please let me extend the offer to have my son test them as he appears to be quite thorough and rigorous in his endeavors.

Sincerely,
blah blah blah, etc.

An Open Letter to Duck Products

Dear Duck Products,

I would like to thank you for the wonderful duct tape that you manufacture. While I think everyone in the universe knows how versatile and indespensible your tape is, I would like to point out that it can also act as a safety measure during times of emergency.

For example, if you have a toddler who likes to open the door while you are driving down the freeway at high speeds and then discover there are actually no safety locks in your car, you can use duct tape to fix the problem.

However, I recommend that instead of taping the toddler into his car seat it uses far less tape and is, so I've been told, more socially acceptable to simply tape the door latch down. Works great!

Very truly yours,
blah blah blah, etc.