August 5, 2009

How to Make an A$$ Out of Yourself at the Grocery Store

I have mentioned before about my weekly grocery shopping fiascoes during which I display impressive feats of frugality to get half-price groceries. (And anyone who wants to know more about how I do it, just email me.)

Unfortunately, I am too easily amused and also one of those people who has fuzzy boundary issues. This is a nice way of saying I stick my nose into other people's business.

I'm scared I'm going to be one of those people that's embarrassing to be around. I'll be the crazy old lady that talks to strangers in really personal ways. Oh, who am I kidding... I already do that without being an old lady. That's why I think I'm just screwed already. Should I fight it or just go with it? I'm still trying to decide.

Just in case you'd like to be obnoxious in the grocery store like me, here is a helpful primer on how to make an ass out of yourself:

1) When both lanes of a grocery aisle is full, run quickly toward someone with your basket shouting, "GROCERY CHICKEN!!!!"

2) Force coupons you're not using onto people who really don't want to use coupons.

3) Interrupt a husband and wife trying to decide what to have for dinner and make recommendations complete with recipe. (Bonus points if you manage to sell a product for the grocery store.)

4) Pick up an 8 pound pork butt on sale and dance around with it singing, "I like big butts and I cannot lie...!"

I'm sure I could invent some really embarrassing things to add to the list, but I thought it would be more awesome just to list the ways I've actually been authentically stupid.

Just keepin' it real!

Okay, don't leave me hanging out here alone. Pipe up and tell me how wild and crazy you get in the grocery store!


  1. Ok - I'll bite.

    Back before our daughter was born, my husband and I used to shop together late at night because the store was less crowded. After about 2 minutes he would get bored and go amuse himself. So, as I'm quietly walking up and down the isles, I (and everyone else in the store - mostly people stocking the shelves)can hear the bounce, bounce of a beach ball coming closer to me. Yup, he's dribbling the ball throughout the store. At least that was better than him yelling out asking where the condoms were. :-)

  2. I am going to do number 4 today. LOL.

  3. for number two , i'd be real ass like if it was expired


  4. Ha! I love #3. I can just picture in my head the looks the couple would give. Very funny blog this morning :)

    The Skinny On Getting Skinny

  5. I may have had an altercation in the produce section

    It's also possible I have an over active imagination.

  6. I am guilty of #3... oh too often I am guilty of #3 but I also will admit to skulking around the store looking in peoples baskets for dinner ideas. I have even gone so far as to ask what they are making so I could get an idea. I think the hardest part of making dinner is deciding what to make.

  7. I was having problems with my debit card one day. So the clerk grabs my card, swipes it, starts punching in numbers and suddenly $300 disappears from my checking account when the total of my purchase was only $30. I was hormonal at the time, so I pretty much pitched a fit right then and there.

  8. I'll talk to people too at the grocery store ... about this or that ... and they look at you like ... crazy lady let out for the afternoon to shop at the store ...

    I've never given out a recipe though ... or danced with a pork butt but I have sang and danced down the aisle ...

    And, yes I've let my kids race grocery carts down an empty row ... with me commentating the race ... no one saw that ... right

  9. My first husband and I used to go into the grocery store a few minutes apart. Then casually 'run into each other' as if we were long lost friends. We ad libbed the whole reunion including a passionate kissing/groping session. We were bored. It was fun. For us.

  10. I love Shannon's means of entertainment!

    I guess my worst fiasco was arriving at the checkout with a heavily loaded basket and discovering I left my wallet in my other purse!

    and then there was the time when I forgot my debit card, and kept asking the clerk to subtotal after every couple of items to make sure I didn't get more than would be covered by the cash I had with me.

  11. As I was rolling up an isle, I watched a woman wearing only a bathing suit, no shoes, dumping the grease out of the bottom of the roasted chicken container! I was MORTIFIED and so angry! I ran up to her and asked her what she thought she was doing, and her reply was this, "It was too hot to carry." URGH! NASTY! I promptly found a manager and told on her. I wish he had made her clean it up.

  12. I like going to the grocery store with my little brother and sister. We tend to get our giggle on about anything and everything. People look at us like we're nuts!

  13. "I like big butts and I cannot lie...!"

    Hahahahahaha! Would love to have seen that.

  14. This isn't crazy like some of the things you and everyone else has mentioned, but I like to bring a jar of change with me to the store and I go through the do-it-yourself check out lane so I can use it. I think my boyfriend gets embarrassed when we have a line of people behind us and I am putting in a few hundred pennies into the machine just to save a few dollars in cash. It does really help, though. :)

  15. Can't beat any of those. I'm just one of those frazzled moms with sales fliers and coupons in hand. Bringing too many children with her and is constantly telling the kids to stop bickering, stop asking for things, quit running, to get off the pop display, or freakin out b/c one of those brats has gotten out of her sight or because none of them will give her two minutes of quiet to figure out the best deal on the or remember the coupons scenarios she had carefully worked out before coming to the store only to find that something she wanted was out of stock. The one who has to leave a huge cart full of groceries to take the preschooler to the potty only to return and have to leave it in the next aisle because the older preschooler now has to go potty. Ya know just your typical stay at home homeschooling crazy! :)

  16. Oh did I forget to mention I just got back from the store. Sorry for the vent!

  17. hahahahahahaa! I love ya Wendy!! That was spectacular! Here's one for you:

    When in Walmart (because that's where I buy my groceries lol) go in the dressing room and after a few minutes holler out "HEY! CAN SOMEONE BRING ME SOME TP?! THIS ONE IS OUT!!" :D

  18. Wendy, Kathy, and Shannon - you guys are evil geniuses ;)
    I'm a pretty lame grocery store customer. The worst I do is misread sale signs, and when I don't get the deal at the cash register I make them go to the aisle to check the sign. Also, I'm spatially challenged (I give joggers a wide berth when driving - just in case). My kids like the shopping cart with the red car in front. The problem is it's longer than a normal car ... I try not to hit other shoppers, but ...
    The only other thing is since having kids, I love seeing someone else's kid having a total meltdown in the grocery store and when it happens I watch happily - cheering on the parent. I love it when parents say 'no' to their kids. Unfortunately, it's not nearly as fun when it's my own kids.

  19. When my Modest mother went grocery shopping one day, she picked up a loaf of bread, held it to her chest before putting it in the cart. She walked down the next aisle and passed an older gentleman. He kind of snickered as he passed her. My mom wondered what was up with that, but continued on her way. On the next aisle, the same thing happened when she passed another man. Both men seemed to be looking at her ample chest. Unbeknown to her, a bright orange circular label had come off the bread and stuck directly where her nipple was that read, "2 for $1"! My mom was mortified! I still laugh when I think about it to this day!

    My twin sister wanted to buy a watermelon. They were displayed in a large wooden crate. As she leaned over to tap a watermelon, the whole crate busted and she topped head first into the watermelons! She laughed to hard. I don't remember if she ever bought one or not!

    I always talk to strangers so nothing sticks out in my mind that's unusual. Oh wait, I did overhear a couple talking near the flowers at Walmart. The husband was talking about buying flowers for somebody (a relative) and I butted in and said he should buy some for his lovely wife. I confirmed that she was his wife (yes), and asked how long they were married. I said that she deserved the flowers. THe wife was quite pleased; the husband, on the other hand, looked pissed. Mission accomplished. :)

  20. To the embarrassment of my kids I sing along to the muzak, out loud, at the top of my (operatically trained) voice.
    And if it's a dance number I dance down the aisle.
    And I strike up conversations about the tabloid headlines in the check-out lane.
    And I ask people 'are you REALLY buying that?'

  21. green yogurt containers used to have a strange tendency to blow up and land all over my stomach/crotch region. Don't talk too much at store - detest it!

  22. Too funny!

    I do sing in the store to the 70's pop music. I have been known to praise Jesus when my favorite items are on sale.

  23. Oh my gosh! I do the same thing at Petsmart. All of a sudden being a pet owner makes me knowledgeable or something! I recommend the iCrate to people all the time! LOL I've sold at least two! They should give me an associate's discount damn it!

  24. ummmm.... I'm saying this really quietly, I promise... you think you're GOING to be one of those people it's embarrassing to be around? um....

    hee hee. just kidding. Personally I like racing people to the shortest checkout line...

  25. Wendy, all I can say is I may have a cancellation next week and I'll do my best to get you in. Bring your notes. We'll work it out. You can do this.

  26. Ooh, grocery madness. When i was 10, I could race with my cousin, drifting and turning the trolley around the store REALLY QUICK. At least for a 10 - year - old. Until I broke a jam jar inside it and since then the race is illegal for us.

  27. At my first sales job, the manager actually gave me this assignment: Go into the grocery store, stand in the meat section and strike up conversations with the people who are shopping there... That was interesting.

    As far as weekly embarrassment, I will NOT hesitate to yell my husband or son's name clear across the store if I can't find them. They both turn pink about it - you'd think they'd learn to stay near.

  28. Oh my goodness, I am astonished at the freedom you guys have to express yourselves! I am at the opposite end of the social exposure spectrum.

    In fact I was thinking recently that perhaps telling my young children to behave when out in public, because people would notice if they didn't, may have led to their social anxiety issues now. Although it's a family trait. so it's not just my fault. My Swedish and New England Yankee heritage frowns on public displays of any sort.

  29. I haven't played Grocery Chicken yet...*making a note for future ref*

    Nor have I danced with a pork butt, or any butt from the meat section. Guess I thought all those dating tips about meating someone at the store confused me.

    But I have, on a couple occasions, embarrassed a friend who dragged me along to the store, and prattled on about the ingredients on lunch meats. Like those that contain "reconstituted onions". Didn't their articles of onion confederation work, either? And I love "mechanically separated chicken". PETA doesn't, but I get a kick out of performing CPR on a package of bologna.

    Three concussions says it all..

  30. I've not yet worked up the nerve to use a customer operated checkout.

    Jasmine's suggestion now gives me the motivation to try.


  31. I love both the blog and the comments! LOL!

    Shannon and I have something in common. It's not unusual for my husband and I to separate inside the store to go look for different things. He's always sneaking up behind me and making lewd suggestions in my ear, or I'll feel a hand fondling my backside. Of course, I'm so used to it I just go with it ... but one day I'm gonna come unstuck because it won't be him!! (I should be so lucky! LOL!) Or another time we'll meet up and pretend we don't know each other and indulge in a 'you look like pretty nice, wanna come back to my place?' type of conversation. Yeah, it's fun. ;)

    Oh yeah, and I'm a bit of a motormouth while shopping. I think it's a form of hysteria. I tend to walk around complaining loudly about the things the store doesn't stock, the way they stack them, or the way they move stuff around. Or (occasionally) whooping with joy and congratulating them on getting something back in stock or the new varieties of chocolate or something.

  32. I have to admit I'm number 2 quite often. I stand in line and look at others groceries and think if I have a coupon that they can use lol I guess I should be called the Crazy Coupon Lady instead of the Pueblo Penny Pincher lol Thanks for stopping by Big Hugs, Andrea

  33. I'm not quite as daring as some of your suggestions but you can often find me and my kids dancing down the aisles and singing. Seeing that I push the card my dancing is usually just limited to shaking my butt. I'm sure we make quite a scene!

  34. oh i love this!!!

    my hubby and i went to visit some out of state family, and us gals headed off to the food store. there i am in this lil tiny ma-paw store, and just stunned at the size of it.yes. i got bored. so i started walking in front of my sister in law, knocking things off the shelves. a box of stuffing here, a can there, and saying loudly" hey watch what you're doing, you'll break something!" and "AGAIN!? CLEAN UP IN AISLE TWO !" she was horrified- " knock it off i have to LIVE here!!!" bwa haha..

    i did the same to my own sister when she visited, in my own local store, and she was so worried, she'd pick up the items and whisper at me to stop- i'd walk by and knock something off a shelf, then as she got in front of it i'd ask some poor passerby "can you believe her? look at that mess?"
    she actually apologized.

    when i take my kids- i make sure they hold onto the carts- so they don't wander or grab things they shouldn't. when feeling frisky i'll get loud and say "hey KID ! thats MY cart! let go!! where's your mama? did somebody loose a kid? is this one yours??"
    i'm kind of waiting for someone to actually claim them, but they haven't yet.

  35. I recently got into a loud but friendly conversation with a 6 year old in line in front of me. Her mother just stood by looking embarrassed while her daughter interviewed me "Do you have any children?" "Do you have a husband?" I thought it was fun (she reminded me of my youngest) but I thought after the fact that maybe it was weird for me to be so enthusiastic?

    You are crazy. I love it!

  36. My 11 year old brother and I were at Publix about a week ago.....we needed plums, and my mom always says "if they smell like plums, they're good. If they dont smell like anything really, theyre not ready yet." Well that works for the first few plums.....but after awhile i guess your nose gets used to it, like sampling perfume.

    **two minutes later**

    Me: "why do none of these smell like plums anymore???" *picking up plums, smelling them and dropping them at an extreme-sports pace*

    Brother: "i dont know! KEEP SMELLING!" *doing the same*

    This went on for another minute or so until the deli man approached us and kindly asked us to vacate the produce section.



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