August 21, 2012

What Women Want, Spilling the Secrets of the Sisterhood


It's election time and inevitably women's rights are always served up on the political table. It has started me thinking about what it is women want.

It seems like men are always trying to figure it out, as if women are complicated.  Maybe it's because I'm a woman -- but it doesn't seem complicated to me.  I will admit women are more demonstrative so we sometimes express ourselves openly, maybe more openly than men who have been socialized not to express themselves in certain ways. (Which I think is unfortunate and repressive.)  I don't think we feel our feelings bigger or stronger, we've just not been conditioned to restrain ourselves in any gender-specified way.

What We Want

Love. We want to be loved. Cherished. Valued. We want to feel, now and again, like the sun rises and sets on us. Even if it's just for a moment. Like right after we do the dishes. Or while we brush our teeth while you're using up all the hot water. Or in that moment before we take our last conscious breath before we drift off to sleep.

Beauty. We want to feel beautiful, desired. We aren't always. And beauty is relative. But in some way, to some one we are beautiful. If you are that person, we'd love to know you think that.  Perhaps in our daily lives, in the grind of minutia we can't identify those moments easily. But if you see that glimpse it's okay to say something about it. It doesn't obligate you beyond that moment. It's not foreplay. It's not an apology for being a jerk yesterday. It's not an admission or giving ground. It's you seeing us and we dig that. (See also: any love sonnet by Pablo Neruda)

Security. We want to feel safe. We want to have room to spread our wings and be confident.  We love solid ground. We want to trust and be open.  We want to tell you secrets and dreams and know you won't laugh.  We can kill our own spiders because we are grown-up girls, but it's sort of really cool if you kill them for us.  Sometimes that even seems sexy and brave.

Sex. We want sex. Various kinds. Definitely we differ in this regard. Apparently a lot of us are intrigued by Fifty Shades of Grey. When my own book came out my mother chastised me for the little bit of sexy stuff that was in there (which was minimal) and said I shouldn't be so base, that women want "princess sex."  I have no idea what "princess sex" is and I can tell you right now if I ever wanted that in my life I definitely do not want it now. Ever. Simply because that phrase came out of my mother's mouth. Learn about our bodies, ask questions, try things, get suggestions. Don't be afraid. And certainly don't apologize for wanting it too. (See also: Jaiya)

Men. (Lesbians, this is the only paragraph that probably won't work for you. You can skip it or white it out and write in your own stuff here.) We want men that act like men even when we tell you we want you to be sensitive and nice and caring and all that other stuff.  You can still do those things and be men. Don't let us convince you otherwise. If we wanted women we'd be with women.  And, well, some of us are. And that's no reflection on you. (See also: The Art of Manliness)

Respect. We are not vessels to be filled, nor are we baby-making machines. We are not less than you. We are not better than you. We are sometimes different, but in a lot of ways we are the same. We want your insides to relate to our insides on a deep soul level. And sometimes we just want you to help us unload the dishwasher and talk about what movie we'll watch tonight. Please don't belittle us, ridicule us or derride us because we are just as important to the running of the world as you are.

The Caveat

There are women in the world who are not nice. They are greedy. They are bitches. They don't care about you. They are in it for themselves. They will not take care of you when you are puking in the toilet. They will berate you into keeping a job you hate because it gives you a bigger paycheck. I could go on, but you know those women. Those women are not us and those women are not for you.  Those women are for the dickhead men who deserve them, the men that are not you.  Run. Run from them like your life depends on it. Because it does. Those raging zombie brain-eating women will suck out your life force and leave you lying in the dirt like a dessicated husk of former man-meat that is good for little but being bitter for the really nice woman who follows in her attractive perfume-scented wake.

What Men Want

The joke around the water cooler is that men want sex and beer and TV and that it's silly to make it any more complicated than that. I could be wrong, but I think our lists aren't that much different.

What Else Do You Want?

Add to my list.  Leave me a comment (men and women) and add anything I've missed!

11 comments:

  1. Wait... you brush your teeth with hot water?

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    1. I might if you weren't hogging all the hot water.

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  2. s'a pretty good list.

    Unfortunately, I think "women's rights" always ends up being an issue because men still hold the political and religious and economic power. Specifically, old white men. Old, white men who don't want to give up one iota of that political, religious, or economic power. To women, to minorities, to anyone other than other old, white men. They're cowards. They think it's courageous to stand up for a belief system, to go to war, to wear powerful suits and talk in front of large crowds.

    You know what's really courageous? Yielding some of your power to someone poor, someone disenfranchised, someone who holds other beliefs than you. That's courageous. And I wish Americans understood that courage has more to do with trusting people who aren't like us, than with shooting them and taking their things. (Here I'm referring more to the old west movies than to any war stuff going on today.) If all Americans understood that courage means listening and learning from others, instead of insulting and dismissing others, we would stop electing people that think there is some kind of rape that isn't legitimately rape. frinstnce.

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    1. Well said, Peter. The bright spot in the "legitimate rape" kerfuffle (for me) has been watching the outpouring of support from men who agree that Akins and others are ignorant doofuses.

      I also agree with you that courage is in short supply.

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  3. You want my report on the knowledge of women..? I have three sisters,,three daughters,,just celebrated 42 year anniversary and you want my opinion? ok,,,what I know about women wouldnt fill a red bug's thimble...:)

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    1. I was going to say what Eva said below. If you've been married 42 years you know way more than you're letting on. GOOD JOB!

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  4. It's simple. Wimmins expect their mens to be Prince Charming. So, advice for mens: BE PRINCE CHARMING. The converse, whether wimmins ought to NOT expect their mens to be Prince Charming, is an untenable philosophical position.

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    1. I think when you're in your 20's you want Prince Charming. Around the 30's maybe Prince Mostly-Charming. In my forties I'm okay settling for Prince Sometimes-Charming. I'm not sure what happens around the 50's. I'm also not sure I really want to know.

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  5. I think Glen knows more than he lets on, or he wouldn't still be married to the same woman for 42 years!!

    That was a wonderful post and very true.

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    1. Thanks, Eva. And isn't that funny about Glen? He's so modest, that guy. Sheesh.

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  6. I think the dad in Juno summed it up pretty well:

    "Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

    I think that's it--we want to be loved for who we are, and we don't want to have to pretend to be someone or something else.

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