July 29, 2009

Anatomy 101

The other day the kids and I were over at mom's cabin. I was fussing with her new water filter pitcher because she doesn't have the patience to read the directions. Fortunately for all the members in my family, I LOVE reading directions. It's one of those perverse things about me.

So I'm standing at the counter figuring out all the nuances of this water filtration system that I know she will hate. Tristan is sitting on the floor nearby with Brutus Blogger the cat. I hear Tristan say, "Wass dat?"

My mom said, "Well, that's the cat's private parts."

I glance over to see Tristan bent down with his face very close to the back end of the cat.

"Mom, you can tell him those are testicles. It's fine. We like to use the regular names for everything." Boy do we ever. Penis penis penis penis.

She says, "Oh, okay," then adds, "Tristan, those are his testicles."

I helpfully added, for context, "You have some of those, Tristan, all boys have them." To which I appended in my head, "Well, MOST boys have them, although I've met a few who act like they DON'T have them..." I figured that was a more abstract and complicated conversation than he could handle at his age.

Julius cannot resist a conversation about body parts and immediately saw his chance to jump in. "Yeah, Tristan, you have them, I have them, Dad has them. All boys have them. Here... come into the bathroom and I will show you."

To which my mom and I in unison shouted, "No!"

"Jules, he can figure it out for himself," I said.

Mom added, "Yeah, Tristan, when you go home you can look at yourself in the mirror."

"Oh, good. Thanks, Mom, now he's gonna be getting naked and staring at himself in the mirror." I finished soaking the filter and washing all the filter parts. Julius fell to the floor laughing.

"Well, he can you know."

Tristan pointed to the back end of the cat again, "Dat Bwootus tentacles."

Still laughing hysterically, Julius says, "Mom, he said tentacles!"

I grinned and nodded. Euphemistically accurate if you think about it.



31 comments:

  1. This is the funniest thing ever. Thanks, you made my day before I have to go to work. Though, you ruined my make up. :P

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  2. I have three daughters and a baby son which is fodder for many private part jokes.

    The girls were fascinated with his little wee wee...penis...whatever.

    It's starting to lose it's magic though now that he's peeing on everything.

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  3. I wish these conversations got easier as they got older.

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  4. I love hearing your 'inner' conversation. Priceless!

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  5. "tentacles" - I love it! Kids say the cutest things! And it's SO funny that big brother was ready to step in and show him the ropes!

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  6. Wendy, you definitely have an interesting family!!

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  7. I guess this is what I have to look forward to when my son gets older. However, my husband already thinks it is hysterical to have my two year old going around saying "weinie" and "ninnie" (that is nipple).

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  8. Too funny. I remeber when my boys were little. My mother was way up tight and couldn't even use the word pregnant; she would say "in a family way." So you can imagine her shock when she told my then three year old to take his hand out of his pants, and he answered, "But my scrotum itches!"

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  9. So funny! I especially love hearing your inner "voice" because it sounds so much like mine. Kind of scary.

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  10. Just too funny. Aren't boys great?

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  11. Cute story! Very funny and entertaining.

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  12. What a wonderful way to start my day. LOVED the story, send it in to readers digest!

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  13. In my family, we use the word "tentacles" whenever we recognize even a vague opportunity to do so. But my 8 year-old tends to find euphemisms even when there are none. Like when I asked him the other day, "Shawn, did I get my package today?" (Giggle.) He thinks grocery sacks are funny too. And pistachios. Even electrons are laugh-worthy. Nothing spherical or stick-like is off limits.

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  14. I still remember the day my four-year-old sister (who is now nineteen) walked up to me, pointed at my crotch, and said, "You have a ducky." I was speechless. I went to ask my mom and she said, "She asked the difference between boys and girls and that's the only thing I could think of!" Way to go mom! LOL

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  15. When they're on cats they're called "Peaches"
    'cuz they're fuzzy like a peach.

    My husband and my twelve year old son can get into some good penis euphemism conversations.
    Thank goodness I've got some girls, too.

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  16. As I mentioned in my review of Funny People, why don't men just marry their tentacles and get it over with.

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  17. I was an only child who had an only girl child, and she had two boys, now 3 and 6. We've always mixed the euphenisms with the real words, and have had the usual penis and butt banter. But recently I was caught off-guard when the six year old spent the night and had an obvious hard on when he woke up. "Mawmaw, why does my penis do that in the morning? I don't like it! What can I do to make it stop?'. Almost struck speechless, I said that sometimes it happens to boys and men before they pee in the morning, but if it upset him he should talk to daddy or pawpaw. I wasn't about to get into 'that' conversation with him!

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  18. From bulls to cats, he's learning all about it. Your kids are just priceless. These stories always cheer me up.

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  19. LOL it reminds me of when my son about 6 or 7 at the time called me into the bathroom where he was in the bathtub. He was pointing to his penis that was floating on the water, he hit it. "Mommie its hard" he says, "like a rifle"
    I thought yep, it is kinda like that.

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  20. Wait until you have to have the condom conversation...mine was met by cries of 'Mom! Eugh! They talked about it in school, OK!'
    'Yes, but I just want to make sure you know you can ask me about anything.'
    'Eugh - like I want to talk to you about sex. I mean, come on, you're like what, fifty?'

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  21. Wendy, I read this at work this morning and couldn't help but smile. I love your stories and know that this is what I have to look forward to. My older twin asked me the other day where my pee pee was. I told him boy parts are different than girl parts and left it at that. ;o)

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  22. Ha! Very funny! Back in the day, my sons were very interested to watch my change their baby sister's diaper!!

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  23. Tentacles ;)

    How would one explain an octopus?

    *ducking boos and throwd birds-n-bees books

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  24. There you go! I will only get more interesting. Take notes. Great story fodder.

    Hah!

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  25. That is hilarious! Kids are so funny.

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  26. Kids are so sweet. Trouble is, those sweet little euphemisms get into your everyday conversations just because they're cute, and then one day you find yourself using them in the grocery store or something. LOL!

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  27. Boys. Do you ever wonder what it would have been like to have little girls? No talk of penuses or farting, or boogers. Or tentacles. How boring that would be.

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  28. @Midlife Jobhunter: You can certainly have other types of interesting conversations with little girls! In many ways, I don't envy what my ex-wife has to deal with.

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  29. This is the first time I am commenting, I just LOVE reading your blog! It is great reading, and usually makes me laugh! Which brings me to the next point, how do you not crack up when your boys do this stuff! I don't have kids yet, but really, don't know how I could even remotely keep a straight face!

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