July 20, 2009

More Open Letters

Rachel, for inspiring me.

I was reading Rachel's post recently. She was writing about some lackluster parenting she'd seen at the pool and it reminded me of some open letters of my own that I wanted to write...

Dear Lady with the Cute Dog,

I think it's great that you don't keep your little dog cooped up in the house all day long. It seems like you take your responsibility as a pet owner very seriously.

However, I'd like to recommend that you rethink WHERE you take your dog when you want to have an outing in public places considering that when my son came toward your dog you mentioned that it likes to bite small children. Perhaps a better choice would be someplace other than the children's play area of the creek.

Or at the least you could stay with your dog instead of leaving him tied to a rock when he's only about ten feet from where my 2-year-old is playing and periodically yelling, "Mommy, me go see doggy!"

Sure, I could move my son out to the deep end where the rapids are even though he's a little shorty toddler who can't swim, but it seems more sensible to me that maybe you could take your carnivorous baby-eating canine somewhere that doesn't endanger the next generation of presidents, scientists, homemakers and manual laborers.

Thanks for your understanding.
* * *
Dear Cool Single Guy with Dog,

I know that a lot of personal ads say that women like to take long walks on the beach. Probably because of this you dress all spiffy and take your dog down to the beach when he's all duded up with a cute red kerchief around his neck. I'm certain this catches the eye of many women who think it's adorable.

Under other circumstances I might have thought it was adorable, too, until your crazed maniac dog bit my hand because I was holding a tennis ball for my OWN dog. Yes, I know he wasn't actually trying to bite my hand on purpose and that he only wanted the ball meant for my dog, but it's hard for me to listen to your explanation of that when my blood is pouring out onto the sand and your dog is smelling it excitedly.

I hope you do better with the next girl.

* * *

Dear Frail Old Lady,

Please accept my most humble apologies for my dog knocking you down flat on your back in the sand. He's a very kind and silly dog, full of life and madly in love with the tennis ball. When we throw it he doesn't take his eyes off the ball, but runs full out at about 90 miles per hour in the direction he thinks the ball will land.

Unfortunately, this particular day you were standing between him and where the ball was supposed to land. While not overly bright in many areas, my dog is a master at the physics of trajectories. Also, unfortunately, while he only weighs about 60 pounds it's more like 260 when he's running full speed. And considering you look like you weigh about 45 pounds you really were no match for him.

I'm really happy, though, that you were on the beach when this happened and not on the sidewalk or in the parking lot or I'd probably still be paying lawyer fees what with osteoporosis being so common in women your age.

Again, my apologies.

* * *
Dear Mother Who Probably Hates Me,

I'm really, really sorry that my dog plowed over your 26-pound daughter in her cute little ruffled swimsuit that was probably not meant to get dirty and wet. Also for knocking her into a small wave that happened to be coming into shore right at that moment. I was really happy, though, that there were no riptides.

In the past this hasn't been that much of an issue (except that one time with an old lady, but she turned out to be fine) but it seems like as he is getting older he is a little less careful than he used to be. Doggie dementia, I'm thinking. Please be assured that we have learned from this experience and will be more cautious in the future about where we throw the ball.

Thanks for not calling the police (although just to be sure we left the beach right away so we would have been gone before they got there anyway).

* * *
Dear Rob,

Please stop throwing the ball over my head so the dog doesn't knock me on my ass. It's not freaking funny. At all.

Love, Wendy


  1. LOL! As a fellow dog owner, I can only offer the following:

    I hate it when people let their kids run up to my dogs without finding out first if he's friendly - and then blame me if he's not. However, I would NEVER leave an unsafe dog unattended, let alone in a children's play area.

    Also, the dog with the red bandana was perhaps wearing it to demonstrate his tendency to bite, in the same manner as a horse gets a red ribbon tied on his tail in the hunting field if he's likely to kick. It's a convention you find in many multi-dog gatherings. However, you'd think he'd be more careful having an aggressive dog offlead in a public place, wouldn't you?

    I love the way you wrote these. And I'd like to admit now that once upon a time my perfectly friendly and well-behaved greyhound had a little mutt right off it's feet and somersaulted it head over heels ("yip-yip-yip-yip-yoooowl!") when he ran at full speed into the near-invisible extending lead held by an unsuspectedly profane little old lady. Who'd have thought she even knew such language? ;)

  2. Dogs make a family whole, and it's great to see that yours has blasted into so many peoples lives (albeit with a "260 pound" force). Fabulous post, as always x

  3. HA! Thank you for the laughs! A person needs them on Monday morning, you know?

  4. Thanks for the good laugh! I like this whole "open-letter" thing you do. I might write a few of my own!!

  5. Hahaha I love your open letters and you know I'm a sucker for dogs... I'm a sucker for all critters actually.

    I love visiting your blog. :)

  6. such a unique way to "vent" your frustrations..lol.. somebody might need a nap... lol

  7. chah. ditto.

    I'd like to add my apologies to the guy with no personality trying to train his 2 lab puppies to retrieve a ball from the ocean's waves. Yeah. um. sorry I let my German shepherd loose to play with your labs, thereby distracting them from their most valuable retrieving lessons. my bad.

  8. Funny. You should sic your bouncy dog on the carnivorous one.

  9. There you go again, making me laugh out loud, in the office,, in front of my boss...hopefully he'll catch on...that my quality of work life has gone down the toilet and maybe fire me before I quit!


  10. I try not to get mad at our young lab when he wipes my feet out from under me.
    Because really, it is pretty funny.

  11. The red bandana man sounds too cool for school.

  12. Perfect timing for a dog post, having just returned from a family visit with our two canine wonders. As in, I wonder why in the world I have two dogs?

    I apologize to my folks' neighbors and their town's noise ordinance. Boomer was just lonely since he was in the fenced yard alone. The leaping Rosie had to be on a tieout, so naturally she howled and he yipped until my aging parents went out to get them in the house.

    Thank you to my sister who heard them and rescued my mom from a possible second broken hip caused by a dog.(It was her own dog the first time though).

    Thoroughly enjoyed reading your letters.

  13. Loved this. I hope never to be the sort of person referred to in one of your open letters. I'll never own a dog now. Promise.

  14. Now I feel a need to apologize.
    Dear Macho men,
    I'm sorry my 100 pound FEMALE puppy, happily grabs your MALE dogs and gives them a good hump.
    I'll really try to stop laughing when she does it to your "Bad Ass" Pitbull in the studded collar that you refuse to have neutered because you're an irresponsible idiot who relates the dog's balls to your own little masculinity.
    Wow, I feel better now.

  15. Awww, bless your little goggie and his selective blindness.


    Oh...is it you who was looking after a cat with an open sore? How goes that??

  16. Dogs just get us in trouble, don't they? And they stand there with their mouths open, tails wagging, and ears pricked, laughing because they did it but we people get all of the flack for it. Sheesh. :)

  17. an award? for you? yes! Come pick it up over at LLOL

  18. just wanted to say that I love your blog!!! your open letters have inspired me so much i started to do them too! I linked back here though! so,Thanks, for the brilliant reads! www.seedsandstitches.blogspot.com


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