When I was in my 20's I thought I was pretty brilliant, but a few years later I realized that was mostly good self-esteem and a little bit of gas.
Now I realize the truth, which is that I know nearly nothing, but I'm getting smarter all the time. Weekly, sometimes daily. By the time I am in my 60's, maybe 70's I should be brilliant. Just in time to die. Not nearly enough time to be insufferable and domineering to my children. It's a shame, really. Well, I guess I'll just have to start earlier.
Anyway, let's get back to my brilliance... Part of the responsibility of those who carry the burden of genius is you are duty-bound to impart your wisdom to others. And thus without further adieu (oh, such fancy talk) I present to you...
- It's possible for a human being to watch the movie Cars approximately 53 times without going berzerk and needing to be forcibly committed by the authority of the legal system.
- Sometimes people don't know that you aren't suppose to barbeque your food over treated lumber.
- Ants like butter. A lot.
- When you see something that you really shouldn't be looking at, it's impossible to not look at it. (I think I actually knew this one previously but just forgot it.)
- When someone has a hoarse voice it's better to ignore it instead of saying something like, "Oh, you've got that cold that's going around," because sometimes they respond by saying, "No, I've got throat cancer."
- When you're potty training a child you learn certain things about the properties of waste matter that you really didn't know before, but that's all I want to say about that. Just realize what a favor I'm doing you right now.
- It's not just women who are "nags".
- Miss Potter is a good movie; 1408... not so much.
- Telling your kids to "stop screaming" is counter-productive if you actually scream it.
- Rewarding your kid with Starburst to potty train him, while highly effective, is a very bad idea.
- Tristan's favorite Starburst is pink; Julius's favorite is red. Having a lot of yellow and orange Starburst leftover is really annoying.
- There is only so much Batman to go around.
- No matter how fast you are, once you say, "Hold on, let me wipe your mouth first," a kid can wipe his grape jelly mouth on the couch upholstery faster than you can get to him with a wet wipe.
- When your husband is 10 feet up a ladder that is leaning against a tree and your son has said, "It's okay, Mom, he stuck a nail in the tree to hold it," it's just best not to watch. Or if you're going to watch, at least get the video camera.
This ends the public service announcement. Please observe the trash cans at the exits, placed there for your convenience. And thank you for not smoking.