May 8, 2009

Things I've Learned this Week


When I was in my 20's I thought I was pretty brilliant, but a few years later I realized that was mostly good self-esteem and a little bit of gas.

Now I realize the truth, which is that I know nearly nothing, but I'm getting smarter all the time. Weekly, sometimes daily. By the time I am in my 60's, maybe 70's I should be brilliant. Just in time to die. Not nearly enough time to be insufferable and domineering to my children. It's a shame, really. Well, I guess I'll just have to start earlier.

Anyway, let's get back to my brilliance... Part of the responsibility of those who carry the burden of genius is you are duty-bound to impart your wisdom to others. And thus without further adieu (oh, such fancy talk) I present to you...

Things I've Learned this Week

  • It's possible for a human being to watch the movie Cars approximately 53 times without going berzerk and needing to be forcibly committed by the authority of the legal system.
  • Sometimes people don't know that you aren't suppose to barbeque your food over treated lumber.
  • Ants like butter. A lot.
  • When you see something that you really shouldn't be looking at, it's impossible to not look at it. (I think I actually knew this one previously but just forgot it.)
  • When someone has a hoarse voice it's better to ignore it instead of saying something like, "Oh, you've got that cold that's going around," because sometimes they respond by saying, "No, I've got throat cancer."
  • When you're potty training a child you learn certain things about the properties of waste matter that you really didn't know before, but that's all I want to say about that. Just realize what a favor I'm doing you right now.
  • It's not just women who are "nags".
  • Miss Potter is a good movie; 1408... not so much.
  • Telling your kids to "stop screaming" is counter-productive if you actually scream it.
  • Rewarding your kid with Starburst to potty train him, while highly effective, is a very bad idea.
  • Tristan's favorite Starburst is pink; Julius's favorite is red. Having a lot of yellow and orange Starburst leftover is really annoying.
  • There is only so much Batman to go around.
  • No matter how fast you are, once you say, "Hold on, let me wipe your mouth first," a kid can wipe his grape jelly mouth on the couch upholstery faster than you can get to him with a wet wipe.
  • When your husband is 10 feet up a ladder that is leaning against a tree and your son has said, "It's okay, Mom, he stuck a nail in the tree to hold it," it's just best not to watch. Or if you're going to watch, at least get the video camera.


This ends the public service announcement. Please observe the trash cans at the exits, placed there for your convenience. And thank you for not smoking.

19 comments :

  1. I'm just sitting here at my desk, giggling away ... thanks for the humor to start my Friday!

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  2. I'm quite curious as to what you couldn't look away from.

    Also, 1408 was awesome.

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  3. :O! LOL!! Thanks for the blog link, that's an awesome one!

    I learned if you smash a yellow jacket on cream colored car upholstery, it leaves a little yellow yellow jacket imprint on the seat. Until the dog sits on it.

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  4. Ok, some of those I knew before but the throat cancer one is new! E gads! Thanks for imparting your wisdoms!

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  5. Thank you for imparting such wisdom! I feel smarter already!

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  6. Ha ha! Oh god, are we living the exact same life? I'm afraid I'm currently learning ALL of those pottytraining lessons. As well as the grape jelly one. I'm thinking of entering into a plural marriage with my husband and a Tide pen.

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  7. I laughed out loud at this (and I rarely laugh at anything, being so serious and stuff). Can I have the leftover Starbursts? They're my favourites. There, you learnt something else :)

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  8. Ha! I don't love Starburst, especially the orange ones, but I could use a few now. I was going to say something that was brilliant, but I think it's lunch time. Miss Potter... I'll have to see if that's on PPV.

    Come not shop with me this weekend if you are so inclined. I might not buy another car with some matching shoes! Have a happy mother's day!

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  9. Way too funny and way too true (well except for that women not being the only ones who nag part).

    Your writing is exceptional!

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  10. You are truly a wise woman!

    I think we used M&M's for the potty training.

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  11. LOL...I am really enjoying your blog. Try some Skittles.

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  12. Those potty training ideas are good but too late. For anyone else still looking for advice, yelling "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" after they've gotten off the pot without going and then start going while they are standing there doesn't help at all.

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  13. "It's not just women who are 'nags.'"

    Amen.

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  14. I'm thinking you've already accomplished the brilliant thing.

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  15. Man you are REALLY smart; you especially learned a lot this week! Looking forward to your continuing tutelage...

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  16. This is a great list but the jelly on the sofa one really spoke to me. Nothing moves as fast as a kid with jelly mouth!

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  17. Alec / shakespeares journalJune 4, 2009 at 1:01 AM

    Thats so funny. "I have throat cancer", ha ha, genius! But I do like orange starbursts.

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  18. I love your blog. It is so entertaining. You're a young Erma Bombeck! Keep up the good work! You should have your entries published into a book. I wish I worked for a publisher!

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