I get half-price groceries (or better) because I have a shopping system that is very cool. (If you want to know more, just send me email so I don't have to sound like a paid post here.)
It happened that the last time I went shopping I got a really, really, REALLY good price on mayonnaise. Such a good price, in fact, that I bought three gigantic jars of it and one gigantic jar of Miracle Whip.
Not only were they priced well, but my husband eats a lot of mayo. Unfortunately this necessitates him being heavily insured which pretty much negates all my grocery savings now that I think about it.
Anyway, when I got home and we were unloading the groceries he seemed particularly alarmed at the amount of mayo I had acquired and remarked on it. Like any good wife, I in turn mocked him for his mayonnaise consumption and then ignored him for 5 minutes until he forgot what we were talking about.
Today I went into the office kitchen and noticed a huge jar of mayo that had been left on the counter, open, for about three hours. Death in a jar. This is not the first time this has happened. It's like he's got a death wish and I am fully aware it probably comes from living with me, but still... does he have to take out everyone with him when he goes?
The following is our actual subsequent conversation over the phone. You may want to look away.
Me: Do you know why we need so much mayonnaise?
Him: Um... is this a trick question?
Him: Okay, no. Why do we need so much mayonnaise?
Me: It's because you leave it on the counter for like 12 hours and try to kill the whole family.
Him: Did I?
Him: Damn it. [big pause] It'll be okay. It was last time.
Me: Last time you were the only one who ate it after that.
Him: And see, it turned out fine! You know, it's not refrigerated when you buy it. They have it sitting in these big palettes in a warehouse... just sitting there.
Me: Yeah, but it's like hermetic-- hermetically... hermaphrodites... it's SEALED UP is what I'm saying.
Him: Riiiight. Like Hermaphrodite the Goddess of Mayonnaise comes down and waves her magic wand over the jars to seal them...
Me: I'm hanging up now.
Him: Okay, bye.
[photo credit: photo monkey]