May 27, 2009

Hermaphrodite, Goddess of Mayonnaise


I get half-price groceries (or better) because I have a shopping system that is very cool. (If you want to know more, just send me email so I don't have to sound like a paid post here.)

It happened that the last time I went shopping I got a really, really, REALLY good price on mayonnaise. Such a good price, in fact, that I bought three gigantic jars of it and one gigantic jar of Miracle Whip.

Not only were they priced well, but my husband eats a lot of mayo. Unfortunately this necessitates him being heavily insured which pretty much negates all my grocery savings now that I think about it.

Anyway, when I got home and we were unloading the groceries he seemed particularly alarmed at the amount of mayo I had acquired and remarked on it. Like any good wife, I in turn mocked him for his mayonnaise consumption and then ignored him for 5 minutes until he forgot what we were talking about.

Today I went into the office kitchen and noticed a huge jar of mayo that had been left on the counter, open, for about three hours. Death in a jar. This is not the first time this has happened. It's like he's got a death wish and I am fully aware it probably comes from living with me, but still... does he have to take out everyone with him when he goes?

The following is our actual subsequent conversation over the phone. You may want to look away.

* * *


Him: Hello?

Me: Do you know why we need so much mayonnaise?

Him: Um... is this a trick question?

Me: Yes.

Him: Okay, no. Why do we need so much mayonnaise?

Me: It's because you leave it on the counter for like 12 hours and try to kill the whole family.

Him: Did I?

Me: Yeah.

Him: Damn it. [big pause] It'll be okay. It was last time.

Me: Last time you were the only one who ate it after that.

Him: And see, it turned out fine! You know, it's not refrigerated when you buy it. They have it sitting in these big palettes in a warehouse... just sitting there.

Me: Yeah, but it's like hermetic-- hermetically... hermaphrodites... it's SEALED UP is what I'm saying.

Him: Riiiight. Like Hermaphrodite the Goddess of Mayonnaise comes down and waves her magic wand over the jars to seal them...

Me: I'm hanging up now.

Him: Okay, bye.

[photo credit: photo monkey]

78 comments :

  1. The conversations between the two of you crack me up!

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  2. Well , they don't seal up all by themselves ! Meanwhile bulk buying sometimes backfires .The entire family immediately goes off whatever you've just filled the cupboard with and you end up eating it for lunch for months .

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  3. Funny stuff. Too bad about the gigantuous container of mayo-- that would have made a ton of macaroni salad. =)

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  4. Hilarious! Sounds like me and my crew. Who left the cheese, mayo and butter out? Who's gonna eat it NOW? not this momma!

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  5. LOL. That IS death material. I'm sorry for your loss...

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  6. This was such a funny post. Sounds like me and my hubby.

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  7. In our house, I'm totally the leaver-out-of-perishable-foods. I once left an ENTIRE bag of "must stay cold at all times" groceries out on the kitchen counter all night long. Ugh.

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  8. The title of your post alone had me laughing! How can you NOT read a post with that title??!! Thanks for making me smile...and realize that my crazy family is just the norm!

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  9. Love the humour in this post! :) Nice blog!

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  10. i hate ad sense i accidentally put it on and now there is always one add there plz help me get rid of it

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  11. ROFL!

    I just found your blog and already I want to follow you where every you go.

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  12. Ew, how can you tell when mayonnaise goes bad? It tastes horrible straight from the store.

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  13. We shop at Costco. My guy is the one that L.O.V.E.s this place. The deals! The deals! And with coupons, he is out of his mind happy. He has a thing for Zip Lock Bags and large pallets of Paper Towels.

    Our conversations sound something like this:

    Him: Hey, do you really need to use the Gallon Size Ones?
    Me: Yup.
    Him: Sweetie, wouldn't the smaller sandwich bags work?
    Me: Nope
    Him: I just don't feel comfortable with you using the big ones, if you don't really need them, I mean if you think you need them, that's cool, but if you don't, why not use the smaller ones.
    Me: I like the bigger ones.
    Him: Okay, I think I need to pick some more up from da Costco.
    Me: No way buddy. Our pantry is stocked with 10 boxes of the gallon size.
    Him: Oh.

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  14. Aargh! Don't you hate it when you're in the middle of makin' your point and bein' right, and they get you with some verbal slip-up? I think just slamming the phone down at that point is okay.

    And that is one big ass jar of mayo!

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  15. He may be loose with his mayo, but at least he's funny. But I understand your mortal fear of botulism -- it's mine too. Picnics with potato salad? Scare me to death.

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  16. Raising a big family I always bought in bulk too. I have two refrigerators, in one I portion out the bulk products into serving size containers and in the other I keep the bulk containers. This way if something gets left out only small portions spoil. Cheeses can be protioned into plastic bags and bulk portions frozen. Buying half gallons of milk when on sale and freezing cartons is nice since our closest store is over 20 miles. Congratulations for you listing on Blogs of Note!

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  17. hahahahahahahha! what a funny conversation!

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  18. Oh my gosh, this is hysterical stuff! You're blog reminds me of mine. Anywho, congrats on being a Blog of Note!

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  19. Congrats on B.O.N!
    Pretty funny and simple. Like life!
    My Wife is on the other extreme. She throws away the first two leaves of the lettace on a new head, and loafs of bread when you get down to the last two pieces before the heels!

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  20. A Blog of Note! Congratulations!

    And Ps - I am neurotic about mayonnaise! Crazy! I won't even order something in a restaurant if I know it contains mayo. Which, of course, makes my boyfriend laugh, because he fears no food. But never mind - I know how powerful my brain is & if I think it's gonna make me sick, it will.

    :) Debi

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  21. This story made me laugh. I can hear me and my boyfriend having a similar conversation, and he is good leaving stuff out too. Also, I'd love to know your tips to saving on groceries. We recently got our first apartment, and I can use all the advice I can get.

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  22. Congrats on the Blogs of Note recognition!

    You know, it's not every day one can find a funny post with mayo and hermaphrodites in it.

    I'm going to bed happy tonight!

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  23. Hermaphrodite the Goddess of Mayonnaise! That's really fuuny.

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  24. Congrats! Your posts are too funny!

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  25. HAHA!! That was funny! I stumbled upon your blog while I'm trying to create my own...and the giant jar of mayo just pulled me in. LOL!!!

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  26. My DH does the SAME thing! Now that our kids are older (and have more of a social life than we do...) I can see - it's him, all him. Not the kids at all.
    He brought up wanting to try for one more...I think he's hoping to have someone else to blame for another 18 years...NOT

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  27. Oh...too funny and all too familiar as well! I say hold the mayo, no more, it's a death trap in a jar!

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  28. Such a funny post! Keep up the good work.

    I am norwegian btw, so you won't understand a thing on my blog.

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  29. yes, we do need big discount for everything we need. Too bad, i am not a mayonnaise fan.

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  30. Thank you very much for your encouraging words on my blog.(prettyprettyprincess.blogspot) Your beautiful story of Mayo gone bad did much to help me focus on the real challenges in life....perishables : )
    Thx - Meg

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  31. Just ran across your blog because of B.o.N. ~ I LOVE LOVE LOVE the entries about Tristan. Literally had me laughing out loud. I would guess our boys are about similar in age & can just see mine saying the same things!! Thanks for the laugh!!

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  32. Congratulations on being Blog of Note!! :)

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  33. I love your blog, it's downright genius. Witty, clever, and funny, a priceless combination. Peace.

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  34. hya your blog's funny, like how your hubby was the only 1 who ended up eatin th mayo only jus started a blog sOo new 2all this bt chek it if u hav time plss
    gabby :)

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  35. also the queen of jam seal with the magic wand

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  36. Attempted family poisoning must not go unpunished. I think you should label 'his' jar with a Sharpie pen (so there's no chance of anyone else eating it) and leave him to it.

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  37. hahaha! that hilarious! my family does the same thing. but with every food product. I think they have it out for me...

    congrats on blog of note, thats how I found you. amazing little blog you have here :] very amusing.

    Xk

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  38. What a great blog. I found it thanks to blogs of note and they were certainly right in this case.

    If you have a moment, take a look at my blog. I long to be funny like you but tend to be better at angst. I shall keep reading your works to pick up tips ....

    Meanwhile, did you really buy THREE of those massive tubs of mayo??!

    All the best,

    Selina
    http://www.selinakingstonisforty.blogspot.com/

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  39. Hilarious conversation that was! And I got to say, your husband's got good wit.

    :)

    Nice one... Cheers...

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  40. nice post. visit my blog http://ww.just-free.co.cc

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  41. Well, I don't quite understand how do I suppose to react to such conversation..

    ..

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  42. I discovered you on Blogs of Note! I love this post I'm still laughing:) My problem is butter why can't that make it back into the fridge? Your husband sounds like mine!

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  43. Love your header. It is kind of similiar to mine (lol)

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  44. thank you, Wendy. I'm still laughing as I type this.

    It's nearly the same conversation my wife and I have, but usually it involves me cleaning the kitchen almost perfectly, except for leaving an unseen baking tray full of fish oil from dinner in the oven.

    Guess what happens when my wife preheats the over to make cinnamon buns the next day? I think you know what happens.

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  45. Hehehe, this sounds all too familiar - my husband is always leaving something out, but in weird places. Like ON TOP of the fridge (what's with that??!!!).

    Congrats on being a Blog Of Note!

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  46. Your site is amazing! congratulations on being blog of note!
    http://www.samaritiandiva.com

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  47. Congrats on Blog of Note! You have a really cute blog! P.S. That is alot of mayo! Love the conversations!

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  48. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  49. Hilarious! I wish I'd found this blog sooner.

    The post about taking care of the cat was especially amusing.

    And about the mayonnaise?

    My stepdad is like that, too...leaves the bread out, the milk out, the mayonnaise, the ketchup. You name it, he leaves it out.

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  50. Hello there! Learnt from you that even simplest thing can be funny and confusing. Heheh. by the way, i need some help, would you mind to take a look at my blog? thanks before :D

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  51. Oh Wendy ♥ I'm so proud of you getting Blog of Note!! I knew you were worthy. I can't stay :( but you know I love ya with all my heart...still in the dark :( but alive...hope to see you soon!!

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  52. Hello from the Missouri portion of the Ozarks!

    Glad I found you.

    Too funny!

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  53. First rule of all southern picnics...Do Not Eat Warm Mayonnaise.

    Great blog!!

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  54. Congratulations on making Blog of Note!

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  55. That was an awesome story.
    Oh, to be a fly on the wall at your house...and it sounds like there would always be something left out to eat, too. bonus.

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  56. Oh boy... can I ever relate to this one...

    glad you were a blog of note... it allowed me to find you and laugh... out loud... and muse...

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  57. Largest tub of mayo I've ever seen. I can feel my arteries clogging just looking at it.

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  58. I really enjoyed your description in your profile - what a hoot!

    Mom, artist, writer, eclectic funmeister, grounded nomad.

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  59. ooo MG you are just toooo funny, wendy, congrats on blog of note!!

    i shall have to make an art piece now, hermaphrodite, goddess of mayo...

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  60. you are killing me with laughter!

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  61. i LOVE mayo too, but damn!! That is too funny!!

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  62. I can not see myself buying that much mayo. Even the regular size jar goes bad before I use it all here. I use sour cream instead of mayo most of the time.

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  63. Hi

    Thanks for the great blog. I really enjoyed reading it. In fact if I were you I would go to http://www.autosurfmonster.com/ and submit this blog so thousands of others can see it for free. I am not trying to advertise for anyone, I just feel like more people should have the opportunity to see this blog and I also got a lot of free hits from them for my own blogs.. Well, I look forward to all the updates.

    Jessica

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  64. Stop handing out marxist literature to our children.

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  65. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  66. I have never seen that big a jar of mayo and frankly? I'm a little afraid of it.noe

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  67. That is definitely the hugest pot of mayonnaise I've ever seen. The UK is gripped by 'grow your own veg' fever and it looks like it would make a good pot for herbs! Liked the phone chat. Have heard something similar somewhere before! I'm at www.projectforty.blogspot.com if you'd like to come and sit on my patio for a while.

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  68. My mother still thinks you can leave things out for days, and nothing will happen simply b/c that's what people did back in the day when there were no refrigerators, etc.

    "We didn't die then, we won't die now!"

    OK, mom, whatever you say.

    Cheers,
    Eddy

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  69. You mean there ISN'T a goddess of mayonnaise?

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  70. Oh, boy. What is it about men? I'm going to have "Oh, it'll be fine" stamped on hubby's tombstone. Not that he isn't right a lot of the time, but STILL.

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  71. Excellent blog!

    So, here's a wholly boring but true thing to say... the mayo really will be fine. Mayo has so much vinegar in it that it hardly needs refrigeration at all. When you think of the ill-famed picnic of chicken salad sandwiches, it's actually the chicken not the mayo that's dangerous.

    Of course, I'm a husband too, so that probably explains it. We have to hold firm in our justified laziness.

    Best,
    Caffinated
    http://5shot-redeye.blogspot.com/

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  72. This may just be the best conversation EVER. :)

    I, too, eat mayo on just about everything...but I have the good sense to toss the entire jar if it gets left out for more than 20 minutes!

    And, thanks so much for your thoughtful advice on slowing down, enjoying every moment and documenting as much of it as possible...I always feel so lucky when someone takes the time to share their wisdom with me!! :)

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