A Heartwarming Tale of Mother and Son Bonding (not really)

Julius and I were sitting on the couch watching the news. He's the first 6-year-old I've met who likes to watch the news. A lot of the time we have to either fast-forward through the gross part of the news or tell him to cover his ears for a minute because what I don't want to hear is a question coming out of his mouth that sounds like, "Mom, why did that woman shoot all the people in the parking lot of Costco?"

It's not so much that I'm worried about scarring him for life. It's more like I'm worried I might say something irresponsible like, "Because her husband ATE THE LAST ICE CREAM SANDWICH AND DIDN'T TELL HER so that when everyone went to bed that night and she wanted to treat herself to a little MOMMY TIME by eating an ice cream sandwich and watching the Grey's Anatomy episode she had recorded on the DVR she discovered there was actually NOTHING GOOD IN THE FREEZER, subsequently suffering from SEVERE DISAPPOINTMENT AND A COMPLETE MENTAL BREAKDOWN."

Fast-forwarding is a lot easier.

The newscaster on TV is a local guy who has been around for a gazillion years and started out in radio. I grew up listening to his broadcasts. He has a great radio voice which is my nice way of saying he doesn't really have a great TV face. But because he is a well-loved local personality he now does the news.

Julius leans over and says, "That guy kind of scares me."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"You want to hear something that happened to me one time?"

"Yeah."

One time when I was a very little girl, my mom took me to get enrolled in my new school. We were supposed to meet the principal of the school and when he came out I was alarmed to see that he didn't have any hair on the top of his head -- only a little bit around the sides. I had never seen a guy with no hair before and I thought he was... a MONSTER!

In fact, I was so sure he was a monster that I needed to warn my mom about it. She smiled and waved to him and could not even see how much of a monster he was! So I leaned over to her and very, very quietly whispered, "Mom, that man is a monster."

And I said it so quietly she couldn't even hear me and she said, "WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING???" at the top of her voice!

And I was certain that if he heard me tell her he was a monster and reveal his sinister nature that he would EAT US!

But I was also concerned for our safety so tried again to explain that he was not really what she thought he was and that we must run for our lives before it was too late, but again she just said, "WHAT IS IT? CAN'T YOU SPEAK UP?"

I paused and just sat looking at Julius.

Finally he asked, "Then what happened?"

I shrugged and said, "Oh, nothing. Turns out he was just an old guy with no hair."

"Oh."

We both stared at the TV for a few seconds then Julius said, "Can you tell me another funny story from when you were little. Maybe one with an animal in it?"

"Yeah. Sure. One time there was this guinea pig..."