The Toddler wandered by trailing behind him an invisible, but lethal waft of stinkage.
"Hey," I said, "You're stinky. Did you poop?"
He turns and looks at me like I'm terribly misinformed. "Darted." (He means farted. My mom is mortified that we let him say the word "fart". She insists that "passing gas" is much better. I completely disagree. You pass the mashed potatoes at the dinner table, you don't "pass gas". But anyway...)
While I'd like to consider my children trustworthy, unfortunately they are not. "Are you telling the truth?"
"No," he says. I'm not sure if he understands the word "truth", but I think he and I both know how this is about to go down.
"Okay, let's get your diaper changed." This immediately means he takes off running to hide somewhere. I shout after him, "Do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way?"
"HARD WAY!"
Having only had about four hours of sleep, I'm in no mood to play around. I resort to the despicable tactic of candy bribery at 6:30 in the morning. "Hey, T, there's a gummy worm here, you want it?"
"Mmhmm!"
"Come get your diaper changed and you can have it."
"Uh uh."
"Gummy worm is the easy way. Mommy wrestling you down like a perp on Cops is the hard way. How do you want this to go?"
"Hard way."
I bit the end off the gummy worm and sighed after accidentally biting the lime end. Yuck. No wonder he wants to do it the hard way. "Okay, no worm then."
He starts riverdancing and making protesting noises. He turns in circles, gyrating. With a little coaching I think he could go on tour. I stood there wishing we had some music and a video camera.
Finally he realizes I will not budge on the matter of the worms and takes my hand and we walk together to the "diaper station".
"Thanks for taking the easy way. That's a good choice." I hand him the worm as he lays down.
"Mmhmm."
He doesn't seem to mind the lime.
Ah, how is it we live in a world where you have to pay someone a gummy worm for the "pleasure" of changing their poopy diaper?! Cruel, cruel world!!
ReplyDeleteDespite that, I still smiled while reading it. And, hey, did you know that I grew up in the Ozarks? Near a little town in MO called Mountain Grove.
Thanks for finding my blog so that I, in turn, could find yours! :)
Sometimes farts do just slip out so it's KINDA like passin somethin... LOL Yay! I got my gas post!! :) Did you say gummy worms? Let's do this the hard way.... haha!
ReplyDeleteThat candy kids inexplicably like, with the #2 and #3 up to infinity dyes? Gag, man. Mr. M likes them, too. The more sour, the better.
ReplyDeleteGood luck getting through it the hard way. I feel for you.
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ReplyDeleteEw, having to eat a gummy worm IS the hard way.
ReplyDeleteIt's so funny, isn't it? How is it that someone a third of our size can manage to be so ridiculously elusive when we try to assert some sort of physical control over them? I never HAVE understood that, but I swear, my oldest son particularly, was like a greased pig when it came to roping him, err...I mean diapering him. I felt like a crazed cowgirl in a miniature rodeo half of his life. Thank god he finally became a teenager, and now...I only have to wrestle away the car keys.
ReplyDeleteOh this is priceless. I can totally relate! Thanks so much for commenting on my post yesterday. It's so nice to meet you.
ReplyDeleteHey! We do this exact same routine with tooth brushing. (Without the gummy worm, as that would defeat the purpose).
ReplyDeleteI hate it when he chooses the hard way.
Amy, an expat Southern girl?? Yeehaw! :D I was thinking instead of time outs for my oldest I would make him change the poopy diapers. Or is that cruel and unusual punishment?
ReplyDeleteKathy, at my house it's never an accident. They have CONTESTS for heaven's sake!
Lawyer Mom, after the farting contests they have the sour-eating contests. I can't abide either. I'm the only girl in my house!
Shark, actually, I like them if they aren't lime.
KC, 6, and t.e. -- thanks for coming by!
KC, my husband says, "Honey, you're getting taken down by a 2 year old. This is embarrassing."
T.E., someone should invent a gummy worm that would brush the teeth at the same time. If you can invent that you would make gazillions!
Hi Wendy,
ReplyDeleteI found this quite funny as I imagined having this conversation with a child.
Very entertaining
U
Ha-- this is my life, too! Only I don't bribe with candy. I bribe with the spanking stick! :-)
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of a wonderful postcard a sweet friend of mine sent me. It has a lovely, vibrant 1950's artist's rendering of a mother and her darling. The caption says -- Wow! Not only do I get to give birth, but I also get to change diapers!
I am laughing so hard! This is like a scene from my life too these days.
ReplyDeleteHARD WAY!
:)
U: You should try doing it instead of just imagining it. :)
ReplyDeleteShannon: Ain't that postcard the truth?
Becky: It's nice reading about it in someone else's family, isn't it? At least for me it makes me feel less dysfunctional (slightly).
Okay, chica. I'm giving you an award for best opener; this is BEAUTIFUL: "The Toddler wandered by trailing behind him an invisible, but lethal waft of stinkage." LOVE it! lol.
ReplyDeleteWe say "toot" in my house officially, but I'm the only girl in the house (besides the dog and cat), so inevitably the male poop humor pervades and the word "fart" gets used frequently, much to the amusement of the 10-yr-old boy, the 13-yr-old boy, and the 40-yr-old boy. I'm also hard-pressed to find a toilet lid down...
This is hilarious. Great snapshot of life with a strong-willed toddler. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog!