March 27, 2009
Easy Way, Hard Way
The Toddler wandered by trailing behind him an invisible, but lethal waft of stinkage.
"Hey," I said, "You're stinky. Did you poop?"
He turns and looks at me like I'm terribly misinformed. "Darted." (He means farted. My mom is mortified that we let him say the word "fart". She insists that "passing gas" is much better. I completely disagree. You pass the mashed potatoes at the dinner table, you don't "pass gas". But anyway...)
While I'd like to consider my children trustworthy, unfortunately they are not. "Are you telling the truth?"
"No," he says. I'm not sure if he understands the word "truth", but I think he and I both know how this is about to go down.
"Okay, let's get your diaper changed." This immediately means he takes off running to hide somewhere. I shout after him, "Do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way?"
Having only had about four hours of sleep, I'm in no mood to play around. I resort to the despicable tactic of candy bribery at 6:30 in the morning. "Hey, T, there's a gummy worm here, you want it?"
"Come get your diaper changed and you can have it."
"Gummy worm is the easy way. Mommy wrestling you down like a perp on Cops is the hard way. How do you want this to go?"
I bit the end off the gummy worm and sighed after accidentally biting the lime end. Yuck. No wonder he wants to do it the hard way. "Okay, no worm then."
He starts riverdancing and making protesting noises. He turns in circles, gyrating. With a little coaching I think he could go on tour. I stood there wishing we had some music and a video camera.
Finally he realizes I will not budge on the matter of the worms and takes my hand and we walk together to the "diaper station".
"Thanks for taking the easy way. That's a good choice." I hand him the worm as he lays down.
He doesn't seem to mind the lime.