September 4, 2009

The Chicken

On the phone Rob is telling me, "The weirdest thing just happened to me. I don't mean regular weird, I'm mean the weirdest thing ever."

"What." I know what he means by "weirdest thing ever".  He means, "weird even for US."

He launches into the following story. All of it's true. Really.

While I'm at daycare picking up the kids he gets a knock on the door. On our front porch is a 6'7" (or so) humongous fella we know slightly. His name is Darren and he's the least known of the three siblings who come from a well-known family in town.

He greets Rob and then says, "Sheryl Sweeney told me three years ago I could have that chicken that's in your yard, so I was wondering if it's okay if I go ahead and take it."

Rob said exactly what I would have said which was, "Um... what?"

"Sheryl Sweeney. She said I could have the chicken. About three years ago."

The chicken in question is actually a large metal rooster (about as tall as me) that's hanging out in a forsythia bush in our side yard. To me it doesn't seem to stand out, but for some reason it's well-known in the neighborhood. When I bought it a few years ago it was gorgeous, brightly colored and I was madly in love with it. Unfortunately, the man who sold it to me didn't tell me it was an indoor chicken so I put it outside to liven up the yard and it promptly faded to a dull yellow color and is now rusty. Still charming but not nearly as cool as when I bought it.

Sheryl Sweeney used to live in my house. She was a terrible renter and destroyed the place. We had to completely redo everything inside. The walls were punched out and the blown insulation poured out of the walls. Graffiti, trash, broken windows. I had to take her to court for damages and, unfortunately, garnish her wages because she refused to pay after the court ordered her to. It was not a happy time for anyone.

And now Sheryl Sweeney was somehow at the root of the near-abduction of my chicken.

Patiently, Rob explained that we've lived in the house way longer than the last three years. The chicken was purchased around six years ago, long after Sheryl Sweeney had come and gone. She never owned the chicken, the chicken was never here when she was here and I paid for the chicken myself and painstakingly creatively anchored it down because the wind kept blowing it over.

He ended by saying, "It's my wife's chicken, not Sheryl Sweeney's." And speaking man to man, Darren should know that you don't mess with a woman's poultry yard sculpture.

And yet, Darren was insistent that Sheryl Sweeney had the right to give away my chicken. He knows this because she told him when he was in the hospital. With a Stroke. "So maybe it was four years ago, not three," he added, as if that made more sense. And he already has someone to paint it and everything. He had big plans for my chicken.

And that is how Sheryl Sweeney planned The Great Chicken Heist of 2009. She sent a stroke-adled rube who is swayed by tacky yard art to haul off my chicken.

But score one for the home team thanks to my vigilant husband. Take THAT Sheryl Sweeney!

29 comments:

  1. 2 years ago, Petunia Winkleman told me I could have that big jug of tea in your fridge....you know the one with the butter floating in it.

    Give it me....or the rusty yard-chicken gets it!

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  2. Wendy, you never let me down. I know everytime I click on your blog link I'm going to get at least one good smile. I'm glad that your husband was able to thwart the efforts of Sheryl Sweeney and the Great Chicken Heist of 2009.

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  3. Very weird. Hard to believe someone would have the nerve to knock on a door and basically say "I am going to take something out of your yard."

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  4. So weird! I would keep an eye on that chicken, he may come back with a bigger plan! People are so strange sometimes. And, tell your hubby that is the weirdest story (at least for now).

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  5. Wow! What nerve. Even if someone did tell him to go take the chicken, three years later?! C'mon! So I take it Sheryl Sweeney still lives in your town?

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  6. Totally Bizarre! and good for a chuckle as usual!

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  7. Um, hello? Is my name Alice and did I just fall down a hole? That is one crazy story!

    So we finally get the answer to the age-old question:

    What came first? The Chicken or Sheryl Sweeney?

    THE CHICKEN


    Thank God. I was losing sleep over the answer! Whew!

    Love your blog!

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  8. Whew, I was worried that your husband wouldn't be able to talk him out of carting your chicken off!

    Good job, Rob.

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  9. You know what? That's not just normal weird - that's REALLY weird? Who would EVER go to someone else's house and demand a possession of the home owner? That is so bizarre.

    You'd better rig it so that if he moves the chicken, lights come on, alarms go off, and the cops come. Maybe even a booby trap.

    The chicken's not safe now, Wendy. It's just not safe.

    P.S. - I prefer the faded, rustic look, myself. I think it's a damn good looking chicken.

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  10. That was hilarious! Dang right you DO NOT mess with a woman's poultry sculpture. :)

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  11. Oh man! What a weird thing. And I think you better padlock that chicken!

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  12. Your Husband gets mad kudos for not giving away your chicken to the daunting man on the porch! I LOVE your chicken/Rooster btw very shabbychic!

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  13. Sheryl Sweeney...always was a joker.

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  14. I don't know what's funnier,this post or the comments! I'm guessing it's a tie, and if I had an award to give ALL of you I would. Oh wait, I have a couple of awards at my place ... everyone feel free to come by and get whichever one you want! You have my permission, no questions asked. And I won't rig it with any alarms.

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  15. Certainly in danger of counting his chicken before it was hatched. The presumption of the man. Can't he see the strong bond between woman and fowl?

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  16. Oh my. This is weird! Save the chicken, save the chicken!! (Do you supposed you should lock it up??)

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  17. I have a feeling that chicken is going to disappear some night.
    Cute story.

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  18. I think that's possibly the most bizarre thing I've ever heard! LOL!

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  19. If I could stop laughing, I could write something terribly clever. I'm just surprised the guy knocked on the door and 'asked'!

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  20. Oh my, hahaha. My boyfriend is going to laugh at this, and probably not believe me. If three years had passed after someone told me I could have some metal chicken, I don't think I would go and ask for it. And why would someone just say, "Hey, I have a metal chicken in my yard. You can have it whenever you want." That's the weirder part...

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  21. Wierd, bizarre, and even slightly uncomfortable, particularly given the man's height and brain injury. Three years? Maybe he's been mulling over exactly where to place it?

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  22. HAHAHA! What a hilarious experience! I love the "Chicken Abduction" tag at the bottom of this post! :P

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  23. He means, "weird even for US." Great line!

    Sheryl S****** sounds weird for any of us. UGH!

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  24. Ahhhhh the Sheryl Seeneys of the world......right now I'm living in Florida while we rent our home in Indiana...........where did you say Sheryl moved to? Should I go home now?

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  25. Is Darren retarded? Who comes 3 years later and insists that a renter has the right to give away your stuff?

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  26. That's it . . . We gotta find this Sheryl Sweeney and jump her!

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