June 3, 2009

Two Open Letters

An Open Letter to Hummer

Dear Hummer,

I realize that you're not really marketed as a "family car". However, I was wondering the other day why it didn't occur to anyone to put a few family-friendly features into your car during the design process -- stuff that wouldn't really make it too "girly" or turn off the ruggedly masculine single men who purchase your vehicles.

Just little things, really, unnoticeable things like CHILD SAFETY LOCKS. In case you are not familiar with these, on most cars that are manufactured it's a little switch on the end of the door where the latch is that make it impossible for a two year old to open the door when you are going down the freeway at 65 miles per hour.

These days I'm sure my family's safety and your own liability are the farthest thing from your mind what with being bought by the government and all. I suppose that could work in our favor in the way of subsidies when my son is riding the short bus to school after he's gone ass-over-tea-kettle down the I-40 because he's experimenting with the door latches.

I'll apologize in advance if I have missed the child safety locks in some gross oversight on my part. However, I will tell you that when you're freaked out because your incorrigible toddler will not stop pulling on the door handle it's sometimes easy to be distracted. Especially when you're standing at the side of the freeway with semi-trucks passing within about three feet of you traveling 78 miles per hour which makes your vehicle rock violently from side to side.

We also took the time to call the Hummer dealership to ask about the missing child safety locks. Everyone there seemed equally bewildered and, hence, unhelpful. At least the call wasn't a complete waste. What with the hysterical laughing in the background I'm sure we really brightened someone's day there.

If you are considering adding these safety features in the future, please let me extend the offer to have my son test them as he appears to be quite thorough and rigorous in his endeavors.

Sincerely,
blah blah blah, etc.

An Open Letter to Duck Products

Dear Duck Products,

I would like to thank you for the wonderful duct tape that you manufacture. While I think everyone in the universe knows how versatile and indespensible your tape is, I would like to point out that it can also act as a safety measure during times of emergency.

For example, if you have a toddler who likes to open the door while you are driving down the freeway at high speeds and then discover there are actually no safety locks in your car, you can use duct tape to fix the problem.

However, I recommend that instead of taping the toddler into his car seat it uses far less tape and is, so I've been told, more socially acceptable to simply tape the door latch down. Works great!

Very truly yours,
blah blah blah, etc.

46 comments:

  1. Um, yeah...the Hummer and the duct tape and all that.

    531 Followers!!!?

    I'll name my first child Blogger if that's what it takes.

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  2. The basic philosophy, I think, is that anyone driving a Hummer doesn't need safety features because they are far too cool to worry about such trifling things. The Type H personality (Type Hummer, naturally) believes that a namby-pamby concept like safety is something that happens to Other People. You know, people who don't need the behemothic mass of a Hummer because their egos can fit inside a normal car.

    I kid, but I really do hate Hummers. The letter to Duck Products made up for the Hummer one, though. Duct tape is like The Force - there's a Light side, a Dark side, and it binds the universe together!*

    (*Yeah, I stole that from somewhere. I'd attribute it, but the source is long since lost in the misty, murky depths of ancient memory, deep down in places of my mind that I haven't visited in years because they're hard to get to, and the bridge is out.)

    Kristian
    Coquetting Tarradiddles

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  3. Ahhh, I remember one of my OTHER nephews (Tony) doing something like this. He was about three, and just opened the door while we were tearing down I-5 at 70+ miles per hour. When his father asked him why he had done this, Tony said "Because I was hot ..." I don't think that car had safety latches either ...

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  4. Shawn: offer it to them. I bet it will work. :)

    Kristian: Well, a Hummer isn't my first choice but it's necessary for the work I do. After having to replace a differential to the tune of $2200 (USED, not even new!!) we decided we were getting the car with highest possible ground clearance. You'd be amazed some of the places we have to go!

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  5. ok.. you had me crackin' up!! found you via being 'blog worthy'.. and now a new fan! a fellow arkansan, i must support my sista!

    blessings,
    -Tracie

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  6. I found these letters very humorous, and fun to read. I am a mom with a compact car, that luckily has these child safety locks. I obsessively lock the car doors several times during even the slightest trip down the road. My kids think I do it to protect them from bad neighborhoods and carjackers, but actually I fear car doors flying open in unexpected accidents, or someone absentmindedly leaning against the door and having it fall open.

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  7. Your toddlers antics remind me of a prank that a friend of mine would frequently pull on his mother (with some help from his brother). Everyone would get into the car. Just before closing the driver's side door, thier mother would say "Watch your fingers". The minute the door closed, the boys would loudly scream. This was followed by the mother screaming "That's NOT funny!". Sometimes, I would get immediately dropped off at my house as punishment for my inability to stifle my laughter.

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  8. That's really bad not to have those. Was it considered an extra item that you could have added on ?

    Weird for such a nice car ...

    By the way, I've always liked Duck Tape ... such a useful product.

    And, haven't we all pulled over on the highway ... a breeze from those huge trucks is always so helpful ..

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  9. What a funny juxtaposition: Hummers and duct tape. I'm glad, by the way, that you opted for Hummer vs. duct tape instead of the child vs. duct tape option. Thanks for the great posts. I've also got some hilarious kids (one of whom also experimented with exiting the car at high speeds). Congrats on your Blogger honors.

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  10. I hated child locks when I was a kid, lol. I could never get out when I wanted too! I'm sure I'll be glad for them when I have my own babies...

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  11. I'm reading this and really hoping that your little one did not actually "exit" the car, but just "tried to"?!! eek! I think all children try that at least once, those door latches are very entertaining. But I think I might have duct-taped HIM, too, and not just the handle... to be on the safe side. ha I'm kidding. My Tahoe has the door locks, I can't believe that high-dollar vehicle does NOT. What a crock! I'll ask my ex if his has any, he just got a Hummer and he'll know! Maybe the Chinese will add them.

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  12. I am, as always, impressed by your insightful problem-solving skills, which take on an preternaturally practical hue when confronted by cold reality. This solution may also work for absent-minded grandmothers, who believe that they're winding the window down.

    A true genius.

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  13. Both letters made me smile. :)

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  14. I really like the fact that you have no qualms about duct taping your very nice vehicle. Mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do.

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  15. Maybe you should include a comment on your hummer letter suggesting that they add a roll of duct tape as a feature of the hummer (it comes in many fashion colors and could be coordinated with the interior. Probably less expensive than adding the child locks, until some sues, of course. Thanks for a great story!

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  16. Dear blah, blah, blah:

    We at Hummer are really scratching our heads over this 'un. How's come ya don't jus' tell the kid to cut it out? Maybe when theyz sell us to the Chinese they'll fix it?

    Sincerely,

    Hank at Hummer customer service.

    P.S. What does 'incorrigible' mean?

    Dear blah, blah, blah:

    We are most grateful for your letter and proud of the many uses for our products (have your tried it yet to heal warts?). We're guessing you drive a Hummer?

    Sincerely,

    The Duck Tape folks

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  17. Hysterical! I had to read these to my mom over the phone I appreciated them so much. Definitely one of my new favorite blogs!!

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  18. I'm laughing out loud at work again...perhaps my boss will notice and finally fire me...

    Wendy,
    If that happens I may have to dedicate my first novel to you...

    -Kim

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  19. LOL @ a owner of a Hummer having a family

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  20. hahaha, duck taping the kid to the seat sounds good to me. There's something wrong with that?

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  21. I have awarded you the Lemonade Award. :) Please see my blog for details.

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  22. I can't believe Hummers don't have child safety locks! I understand completely how distracted and frazzled you must have been under the circumstances.

    Shawna's Study Abroad

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  23. I hope he's okay!!!!
    As fuuny as it sounds its really ridiculous. I mean the vehicle that the highest from the ground & surely would make any head, especially a little one the biggest plop sound when as you say he goes "ass over teacup" (must rememeber this saying!!!)& hits the hard surface it travels....
    another reason to not like them & I knwo you have but sorry....ick.
    However. I have emailed my old neighbor in Metro Detroit, an engineer for GM & he's going to find out. As a father of 5 who didn't work on the vehicle he's shocked!

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  24. If you get to the point where you're holding your Hummer together with duct tape, let me know and I'll hum out a demand letter.

    And thanks for clarifying why you have one in the first place. I was about to say I thought people in hummers had too much to hum about. ; )

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  25. i thought hummers are for armies?

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  26. I didn't see this comign at all. Do you really have a Hummer?

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  27. Haha... That was hilarious. Isn't it amazing how much kids can teach us, and also, those guys at Hummer?? :D

    Cheers...

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  28. This was great! Apparently they were so hyped up in manufacturing this tank that they slipped and forgot about the kids. Oops?

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  29. You said short bus...bwahahah!

    awesome.

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  30. Thank you for the laugh at you expense. I remember the day this actually happened to my mother as she rounded a corner with my sister riding as passenger. My mother actually sat on the curb and wept. (no she wasnt driving a hummer... it was a duster)

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  31. Ha. I can relate to this so well. My toddler loves to try and open the doors on our SUV which, of course, does not have child safety locks. Smart thinking on the duct tape, though. I think it will compliment the finger smudges on the window and the ground in cheerios in the floorboard. :)

    -David

    http://www.citywidechrisianfellowship.com

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  32. No child safety locks? That does sound like a law suit waiting to happen! Love your letters - maybe you could get a sharpe and color the duct tape black (or whatever your interior is) unless of course you want to announce to the world that you NEED to used the duct tape for lack of "standard" safety features... On second thought, I'd point it out to everyone too. Stupid gas guzzling Hummer's!

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  33. Ha HA safely first
    Bring your heart home.

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  34. Okay, now I feel compelled to dispel a few Hummer misconceptions.

    1) We have a little baby Hummer (H3) so it's smaller and has better gas mileage that is comparable to most pickup trucks. Not great, true, but not as bad as the larger vehicles and probably better than a big V8 truck certainly.

    2) The model we have is not that expensive. Again, less than all the model of heavy duty pickups we were looking at.

    3) Also not my first choice of car. I'd love a little hybrid electric, but I have to be able to drive over giant rocks and down in ditches (similar to the tv ads for trucks!) I can't see myself driving down a creekbed in a Prius. Although that would make a good story, I guess. :)

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  35. Hello Wendy~ Love the letters. Duct tape is certainly a universal product. And I, too, can't believe Hummer doesn't have child safety locks. I was fortunate not to have this problem though cabinet locks were another thing altogether. She could break into a cabinet without any problem. Glad your son wasn't harmed during the trip. Have a great day.

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    I'm a starving college student trying to make a little bit of money during the summer for food.

    Can I ask you a favor?

    Pop on over to my blog:

    http://www.chrisisstarving.com

    and click on some ads. I could really use your help and you might like what I write. Who knows?

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  37. Oi. Parabéns por seu excelente blog. Gostaria de lhe convidar para visitar meu blog e conhecer alguma coisa de nossa luta contra o comunismo aqui no Brasil. Abração

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  38. Hello, am a new blogger and when I took sometimes to view some blogs then I found your blog. I like it. I feel that I'm reading a book or novel. Keep it up, am waiting for the next story. Oh, by the way, please have sometimes to visit my blog and leave any messages. I'll be very happy since am a new comer in blogger's world. God bless.

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  39. ooooh baby hummer sounds cute. :D

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  40. Saw you on blogworthy and to start following you since you are a fellow Arkansasan.
    P.S. Didnt I pass you on pulled over on 40? I remember thinking man even a Hummer has pulled over!

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  41. duct tap and its verstaile uses... lovely though... a mum is a mum
    keep it up

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  42. This was sad and hilarious at the same time....well done writing it....
    and I am sorry for your mishap on the road, unfortunately I can relate....toddlerhood is the end of sanity for parents...

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  43. No safety locks???

    Every hummer owner I know is a mother with kids. The guys around here own pickups.

    And while duct tape might effectively hold door latches shut, I still find it far more effective on the kids.

    Makes a bigger statement, too.

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