Step Right Up, We Gotcher Sexy Melons!

I did another check-in with Google Analytics to see what kind of weird stuff people are looking for when they end up here on my front porch. (For reference, here is a LINK to the last time I did this.)

Last time I did a "Top Ten" but today I think we'll approach this by category:

People Looking for Food

• crumbs from the corner
  
• broccoli coupon
  
• fish coupons
  
• hard gummy worms
  
• moldy avocado
  
• why didn't brussel sprouts produce
  

I'm really concerned about the number of people looking for information about moldy avocados. There was some of that from last month, too. Is it the same people who are still looking or is there just a rampant moldy avocado problem?

Also, for the record, you CAN eat hard gummy worms. I have no idea about the brussel sprouts. The only reason I know about the gummy worms is because I have two little boys.

People Who Need to Get Help

• mom on dog
  
• monkeysexfree
  

Rule number one: No moms on dogs and no dogs on moms. It's just wrong. Also, I think it's illegal.

Rule number two: This blog is 99% monkey sex free. It's just how we roll.

People I'd Like to Meet

• blogspot sexy melon
  
• if you have enough money
  
• im a winner
  
• mark your dictionary
  

I had a tough time deciding on where the sexy melon person should go. Food? People who need help? I decided to put Sexy Melon in people I'd like to meet. Possibly. If it's like a sensual food sexy melon that might be a person who is in touch with the sensory wonders of the world around him or her. Of course, if it's one of those weird guys with a melon fetish and a power drill, then I reserve the right to reclassify him to "people who need to get help".

People who have enough money and people who are winners... call me. We can hook up for dinner. You're buying.

People in Grave Peril

• thinking about having kids
  
• dirty diaper hasmat team
  
• vomit on front porch
  
• water puddles on front porch
  

For the people who are thinking about having kids... look at the three things below your search and you'll see just a few of the things that are in your future. A few of the other things will be: fighting siblings, fingers smashed in drawers, bloody lip, getting peed on, waking up every two hours, runny noses, vomit on other places besides the front porch and swastikas and cigarettes.

Fortunately, because the human mind is so adept at protecting itself, you'll find most of these horrors dull down to a tolerable level when they are tempered by baby coos, toddler giggling, hugs and smiles.

Befuddled Parents

• spanking your child below the waist
  
• what are some nicknames for toddlers penis
  

First of all, get more hugs. That helps. Second, try a time-out first. And spanking below the waist should be restricted to the BACK of the child. Not that I know anything about that.

And wouldn't you know people would start finding me via searches for "nicknames for toddlers penis". I'm thinking of changing this to a gardening blog or a cooking blog. Except I don't garden or cook. Maybe auto mechanics. There's no possible way to work the word "penis" into that topic is there? Or maybe economics? Or how about astrophysics? Or maybe a photo blog about trains or flowers or carousel horses.

Aw, forget it. I'll just stick to what I know.

[photo credit: stefano liboni]