November 19, 2010

What I've Been Doing

For two months I've been silent -- not writing, not reading, not doing anything that I always do.  I have, in fact, been doing a lot of things that I've never done.  I'm not sure if it's an effort to ignore the parade of dead people that stand in a circle around me as if waiting for me to do something.

Five people in three years, five family members gone forever. For two months I've felt like they were waiting for me to say something about them, but I couldn't. And it seemed rude to write about anything else without acknowledging their importance in this world or their importance to me.

And so it was easier to write about nothing.

Instead I bought a spinning wheel and started making yarn.  I sit for hours and watch the fibers pull themselves into the wheel and twist themselves into something beautiful. It's a soothing addiction, mindless, peaceful and it seems somehow productive and important.

The dead sit patiently by while I spin as if they understand that I'm about to wake up -- in just a while it seems like I will be back to my old self. We are getting used to each other, I guess, and I can think of them without feeling sad and paralyzed.

I guess that is "healing".

22 comments :

  1. aw Wendy. I'm so sorry for all your losses. You take as long as you need *hugs*

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  2. So sorry for your loss. Hang in there. Time heals. Keep the good memories in your heart.

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  3. Lots of different groups have highly structured rituals about grieving: how it's done, where it's done, how long you do it, what you wear when you do it, what you eat when you do it, what you say and don't say to others who are doing it, and so on. And for them, when you follow the rules and do it right, it's done.
    Mostly we modern types are above all that ritual crap, and think of it as a kind of weakness that doesn't apply to us. We can wing it, "do it ourselves," do it if and when and how we want to, in our spare time, while not otherwise engaged, etc.
    And the result? Often we don't know when, or how, or how much, or how long, and are never sure if it's helping or not, or how to figure out if it's over. And if it DOES seem over, whether that's real or if we're just kidding ourselves. It might just come back when we least need it.

    Just take a look at the Jewish rituals for instance. And the Tibetans even have a "Book of the Dead" that spells it all out, not just for the survivors, but for the one who just died too. It tells you what to expect when you die, and tells the survivors
    exactly how they can help you along your way. So neither the Jews nor the Tibetans have to wing it, they don't have to invent a mourning process that fits them as individuals, they just follow the rules, and it works. Mostly. Most of the time. And the books tell them when it's done, and when they can dance again.

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  4. Great post.

    Wow. I'm sorry to hear about your loss but I love your yarn-making approach.

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  5. We all grieve in our own way, and in our own time. I'm sorry for all your losses. It does get better, I promise you.

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  6. Thank you for sharing this ever so personal post, and thank you to those whose comments also have been helpful.

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  7. I am really, really glad to hear from you. Great comment from Annie above - it sounds to me like you have found a ritual that works for you.

    I am sorry too, that is a terrible toll.

    When you are ready to write about them, I am sure you will do them justice and they will be very proud.

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  8. I, for one, am glad to see you writing again. Hopefully that's another sign that you are healing. And you'll always remember those loved ones. They'll never go away.

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  9. Numb...understand...*LOVE, HUG*

    I've thought for a very long time now, since a friend gave me the idea, that Moose's fur (my Pyr) would make THE most luxurious, white, soft, warm...scarf, gloves and winter hat...Hmmm...now where to find someone to spin it? *LOL*

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  10. Wendy, I'm so sorry to hear. Your words are a beautiful depiction of healing. The methodical meditation from spinning will help you see the incredible strength you gain from your guardian angels. Hugs.

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  11. How sad to have lost so many in such a short span of time. No wonder you need time to heal. Hugs to you girl. We'll still be here when you're ready to come back.

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  12. words seem to be such fragile things that can not really express sorrow and pain or sympathy without sounding trite. So I will say my thoughts are with you and take your time, If hamlet had yarn then maybe he would have been king of Denmark.

    Best Wishes
    Ee

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  13. I feel your loss, a generation is quickly falling away. Spinning is a WONDERFUL way to mourn. All the sorrow and love that has been spun into those fibers. Sounds like the perfect yarn for a prayer shawl. Spin away!

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  14. Sounds like you need time to heal. Take all the time you need and never be sorry for needing it.

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  15. Healing comes in many forms and fashions...but as you sometimes it is the moments of silence, observing the beauty that is not acknowledge any other time due to being busy ...it is the small still voice within that speaks of love and patience and that there is always a season to experience.
    When my oldest son died, I would go out to his gravesite and just sit ...truly not thoughts for the broken heart was so consuming that I just sat in the cold December days and though the wound was fresh and cut deep ...healing begin right there....in the times of silence when I realize how powerless I am when it comes to so many issues of life. I reached for my Heavenly Father and he in the silence reached back to me and pulled the blinding scales back that I might see the truth of His Plans and Purposes. Healing does come in many forms and fashions..and for that I am thankful.
    Be blessed and sending you an Arkansas Hug ... wink wink

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  16. Glad to see you back, but sorry to hear about what kept you away. Take care.

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  17. Healing sets it's own pace. Takes it's own trail. Grief can come immediately,delayed or like an unexpected package. Maybe you are back to writing or maybe just maybe the loss was a reason you began to write. Yes I am very glad to hear from you...that is the selfishness in me, not wanting to have any losses of any kind. Yet I encourage you to take your time. You owe us nothing and we will be here when you are ready. I pray for your peace like those who have gone before you.


    Peace and blessings Wendy!!!

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  18. Glad you're back.

    Don't spin too much, now.

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  19. Quiet time allows you to process your grief - writing would just push it out to the world and it would still be there waiting for you. Spinning sounds like a wonderful idea.

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  20. "The dead sit patiently by while I spin as if they understand that I'm about to wake up "

    I think the dead know you suffer. You will awake when you can. Take good care.

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