The Menace of Electric Cars

Up until today I've been really excited about the prospect of electric cars. For the obvious reasons, of course. I love that we can break our dependence on fossil fuels. I especially love how quiet they are.

My first experience with electric cars was when I was waiting for a client of mine and walked out to meet him when I saw him coming down the road. He pulls up next to me and I thought his car had stalled and he was coasting in. The only sound it was making was the crunching of the tires on the gravel. Oh, to drive a car that rides the wind like a whisper.

Yeah, until today. Today I nearly had a body part amputated by one of those stealth Bringers of Pain. I was in the parking lot of Lowe's loading paint into my car and this woman comes up and opens the door of the car next to mine. I didn't think much of it. She slid into the car and I wasn't being particularly careful because I figured I was safe until I heard the car start.

I proceed to back my hindquarters out of the car, whipping around to slam the door shut when I see the front end of her car swinging around to greet me like a long-lost lover angling in for a hot embrace. She, of course, is looking the other way. I freeze, bewildered for a moment because the car is moving, silently and swiftly, and about to amputate my ass. Or at least maybe my foot. I think she missed me by only three inches.

So, I realize that in all the hubbub of the electric cars being the panacea for the environment and the economy, nobody is talking about butt amputation AT ALL and I think someone should be. I envision old ladies and the blind being knocked flying through intersections, small children being flattened like pancakes by well-meaning
hippiesyuppies hopped up on grande mochas.

Where is Ralph Nader when you need him?